Just For Fun Archives

Just For Fun

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

After A Close Call

And Some Exercises

It Was Time For A Nap

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.

My wife and I had words - but I didn't get to use mine.

What is a mixed feeling?
Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your new BMW.

Timmy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad replies, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend George is also my son - that's confidential."

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A Rare Albino Peacock – So Beautiful

But of course a good laugh is also essential …

Bath Time For Puddy

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A Cheeky Little Joke

Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness. One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

Pointing to the bowl, he said, “Miss Beatrice I wonder if you would tell me about this? “

“Oh, yes”, she replied, “Isn't it wonderful. I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know I haven't had the flu all winter”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Just How Different Men And Women Really Are!

Customers using our banking machines are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male & Female Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:

Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.

Female Procedure:

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse, back up the required amount to align car with window.
Set parking brake, put the window down. THEN …
Find handbag, remove contents on passenger seat - find card.
Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open door to allow access to machine due to distance from car.
Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig in handbag & find diary with PIN written on inside page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel button and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check makeup in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in check register and put receipt in wallet.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and put card in slot.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 500 feet.
Release Parking Brake.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I just can’t stand to see a grown man break down and whimper like a little baby.”

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my very own dog bit me on the leg."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you idiot, you show up and drink the whole thing before I even have a chance to have a sip. But enough about me, how's your day going?"

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

The Longer You’ve Been Married – The Funnier This Is.

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some stupid idiot using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said - “What makes you think I’d marry another stupid idiot?

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

It’s Not Just The Baby Boomers Who Are Aging …

Tweetie Turns 60

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Oops!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

More Exam Nonsense

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Exams Gone Wrong

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

6 Truths Of Life

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
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2) All idiots – after reading truth #1 will try to do this.
3) And soon discover that truth #1 is a lie.
4) You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5) You will soon forward this e-mail to another idiot.
6) There is still a stupid smile on your face.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

I’m Really Famous – Who Am I?

Hint – I’m A Baby Wearing Pearls!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Thought Provoking Statements That Will Make You Smile

I think that part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance all day.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, my brothers and sisters!

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back just a little too far.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Oh Oh

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Help - How Do I Get Out Of Here?

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Why Me

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

From Youth …

To Old Age

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Only In Japan

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it could be the cause traffic accidents as people might wreck their cars when they drove by. Secondly - a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house. She didn't realize that he was a fake man until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was only one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few deep tire tracks where people literally drove up onto my lawn. But I have to tell you that it was certainly amazing fun while it lasted.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

“So – Where Am I?”

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Tensions Continue To Rise Concerning Swine Flu

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Black Lingerie

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 23 years. We were chatting about our relationships and we decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the front door wearing a black bra, lacey panties, stiletto heels and a black mask over our eyes.

We agreed that we would meet again in a few days to exchange notes.

This is how it went when we met later in the week to exchange stories.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, black panties, tall stilettos and that wonderful black feather mask I wore to the Halloween party last year. He saw me and said, "You are definitely the woman of my dreams. I love you and then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat and under it only the black bra, French cut panties and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, he kissed me passionately and then we had sex night."

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing my lacey black bra, panties, thigh high black stockings and mask over my eyes. He came through the door smiled, looked me up and down and said “What’s for dinner Batman?”

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Only really great minds can read this, so I’m told. It’s weird but interesting. If you can read it you probably have a strange mind. Can you read this? Apparently only 55 people out of 100 can. Are you one of them? Be honest now – no cheating.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it on to ohetr sarmt fiendrs to see if they rlelay are as samrt as they keep tlelnig you tehy are

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Dog Pack Attacks Crocodile In The Northern Territory

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain poetic justice manifested within that cruelty.

The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to an implemented “team work” strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and “survival of the pack mentality”' bred into canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the crocodile preventing it from breathing. Another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the crocodile.

This is the kill bite.

This Is Not For The Squeamish

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~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and take the first turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday and I’ll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied, “I find that hard to believe, you didn’t even know how to find the Post Office”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Letters To Dear Abby:

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Bad Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much. I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Old Age!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey Pie, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin etcetera. The couple had been married for seventy years and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host saying, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m really afraid to ask her what it is."

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Ever Wonder Why Kids Were Happier In The “Good Old Days”

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

How Times Change!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

When all is said and done - “Life” really boils down to two very important questions:

Should I Get A Dog?

Or …

Should I Have Children?

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

I was stopped for speeding the other day and I really thought that I was going to be able to talk my way out of an expensive ticket, what with my Mother being rushed to the hospital so suddenly, and I really wasn’t going “that” fast Officer Smith – honest.

Then Willie whimpered and the police officer looked in the back seat.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

It’s Exam Time …

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

That’s What Friends Are For

“Surprise”

It’s Important To Have A Little Fun Every Day

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

These Flowers Make Me Smile – But Don’t Worry
I Haven’t Forgotten The Joke!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, please take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Oh – never mind Lord - I just found one."

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his behind was bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly - it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

& finally …

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Please pour me a stiff one - I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Floor Painting Creativity At Its Best!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

You Too Can Get Involved - As Evidenced By The Hundreds
Who Attended This Recent Protest Rally Against Global Warming

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

The Recent Australian Heat Wave Has Made
This Little Guy Very Trusting of Humans

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A Lesson To Be Learned From Typing
The Wrong E-Mail Address …

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota, flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the next day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an E-Mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and without realizing his error, sent the E-Mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her E-Mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

My Dear: I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-Mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen to it that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you sweetheart and I hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Things Only Women Understand …

The facial expressions of a cat.
The need for the same style of shoes coming in many different colours.
Why bean sprouts are not “weeds”.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
The difference between beige, cream, ecru, soft taupe, eggshell and off-white.
Eyelash curlers.
Saving old love letters.
The inaccuracy of all bathroom scales.
Why a woman keeps her skinny jeans.
Organized chaos.
Adding chocolate chips to cheese omelets.
Calling 1-800-***-**** for every bumper sticker that says “How’s My Driving?”
Other Women!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

More On Understanding Engineers …

Two handsome, young engineering students were walking across the University of Waterloo campus. Tom said to Ben, “Where did you get such a great bike”. Ben replied, “It was the craziest things - I was walking home last night minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike on the ground stripped down to her underwear and said, “Hey handsome - take whatever you want”. Tom replied, “Hey Ben, the bike was the right choice - the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

The Hair Dryer

A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It’s unopened but it’s well over the Customs limits. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you - I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

The priest replied, “I have really a marvelous instrument that was designed to be enjoyed by a woman, but which as of today, has never been used.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next in line please".

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

More About Engineers

Normal people believe that “If it ain’t broke – don’t fix it. Meanwhile engineers believe that “If it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet”.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wife or their girlfriend. The architect said that he enjoyed spending time with his wife as they built a solid foundation for their enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his girlfriend because of the passion and mystery he found with her. The engineer said he liked both his wife and his girlfriend because they each assumed that he was spending time with the other woman, which was great, because then he could go to the lab and get some work done.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

“Someone Has Spare Time”

All About Engineers …

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys anyway? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a raging fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Don’t Worry About Your Money!

A New Dollar Bill Has Been Issued South Of The Border By

The U.S. Treasury Department

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Perry, a robust 80 year old, loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Please pick me up”. He looked around but couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was day dreaming, but then he heard it again, “Please pick me up”. He looked over the side of the boat and saw a frog floating on the water. Perry said, (In his best DeNiro voice) “Are you talkin’ to me?” The frog replied, “Yes I’m talking to you. If you pick me up and kiss me I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. It will make all your friends envious when I become your lovely bride”.

Perry looked at the frog for a minute and then reached over the side of the boat, picked up the frog and secured him snugly in the zipper pocket of his vest. The frog cried out, “Are you crazy. Kiss me and I will become your beautiful, adoring bride.”

Perry opened his pocket – looked at the frog again and said, “Nah – you know at my age - between a third wife and you - I’d rather have a talking frog”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Diane called him a twit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired and are no longer so busy. We think that it’s really, really important at our age to stay active. Wouldn’t you agree?

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

George Carlin’s Views On Aging …

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.

But then you turn 30. Oooh - what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He “turned” - we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You become 21, you turn 30, then you're pushing 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you reach 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait - you make it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50 and make it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you hit 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing. You hit Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you hit lunch; you turn 4:30; you reach bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I was just 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How To Stay Young

Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

Enjoy the simple things.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies - whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country but not to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them - at every opportunity!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their Soon-To-Be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by and poke his face in the door and ask what we're selling?”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth, when sure enough, a curious Irishman walked up to the door, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked “What might ye be sellin' here?”

One of the English men replied sarcastically, “We're selling morons”.

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, “Ah - you're doing well then - only two left”.

The Lesson: An Englishman should never attempt to match wits with the Irish.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

The Fine Art of Buying Gas In France

A thief in Paris managed to steal some incredibly valuable paintings from the Louvre: a Monet – a Degas – a Van Gogh. He was inspired by De Gaulle and Toulouse.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his vehicle ran out of gas.

When asked by the police how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings”

“I had no Monet - to buy Degas - to make the Van Gogh”.

Now let’s see if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Jesse: What do you get if you cross a softball pitcher with a parrot and a clock? Sam: I know - underhanded polly-ticks.

Anne: Why are all the cars honking their horns?
Charlie: I know - it’s beep year.

Tom: What car is parked in the tower of a famous Paris cathedral?
Patty: I know - the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

Jenny: Why did Zorro engage in so many sword fights?
Bill: I know - he was leading a duel life.

Toby: What did the jar of paste do on January 1st?
Betty: I know – he made a glue year’s resolution.

Jamie: What’s covered in soot and performs in silence.
Sara: I know – a coal mime.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

This mental accuracy test was supposedly developed by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard. Quite possibly another urban legend – but funny nonetheless.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5 This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Who do bucks and does write to for advice? Deer Abby.

What noisy piggy is a great movie director? Steven Squealberg.

Reporter: Is it true that you drove your motorcycle off a cliff and didn’t get hurt? Daredevil: Nah – It was just a bluff.

Mickey: Will you marry me? Minnie: No way – I’m not going to give up my career to become an ordinary mouse wife.

What instrument does Bugs Bunny play? The haremonica.

Which lovely princess pushed around a broom? Sweeping Beauty.

What kind of program is Oprah Parrot the star of? A TV squawk show.

Who is chocolatey and draws Mickey Mouse? Malt Disney.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Tommie: I’m too tired to do my homework.
Dad: A little hard work never hurt anyone.
Tommie: That may be true but why should I risk being the first to find out?

Teacher: Please name the little streams that run into the river Nile.
Sarah: That’s easy – they’re the Juveniles.

Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
Billie: At my house: Canned – Frozen – Instant and Lite.

Teacher: Do you always do your homework before you play?
Ernie: Yes I do.
Teacher: Let me hear you count to 10.
Ernie: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.
Teacher: That’s very good Can you go any further?
Ernie: You bet I can – Jack – Queen – King.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Urban Legend Or Not?

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and I still can’t believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a T.V. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? Let me help you out here - my birth date is on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight passports I've had, on every customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off every plane for the last 30 years, and all those census forms that are done at election time. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die! I apologize, Mr. Minister, I know you’re just trying to do your job.

Okay - I’m better now. Oops - come to think of it - you sent the application form to my house and then you ask me for my address. Honest, it’s March and I just want to go and walk on a sandy beach in the sunshine. Oh no - here I go again. Would someone please tell me, why would you care if I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? Actually, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $60.00 Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day? I guess so, that would be too easy. Then I need to have someone confirm that the picture (the one I’m not allowed to smile in) is really me. Who else would it be? And hey, come to think of it - why can’t I smile? I’m a generally happy guy.

Signed - An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Oh, oh - I’m not done yet. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for over 30 years and have had too many security clearances to count. I was an aide-de-camp to the lieutenant governor of my province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for five years. However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am, you know, someone like my doctor who is from Argentina. Whew!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A Short Love Story

At this time of year - so close to Valentine’s Day - this is a truly touching story. A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room as strangers, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? It’s awfully cold up here”. “Why, I have a better idea,” she replied,“Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married. “Wow! that is a great idea”, he exclaimed - visions of himself as a “manly” man dancing in his head. “Good”, she replied. “Then it’s settled - just get out of bed and get your own blanket. The End.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

No cheating. If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you! Sorry you can only pick one.

Angel Food Cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue Pie
Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be! Okay - now that you've made your choice, scroll down to sees what psychiatric
research says about you:

Angel Food Cake: Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

Brownies: You’re adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sword. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue Pie: Smooth, sexy, and articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many good friends.

Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing: Fun loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you. You are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However - you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Shortcake: Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch! You have many friends who love to be around you. You also tend to melt. You can be overly emotional at times. Your sense of loyalty and devotion are paramount.

Chocolate Icing On Chocolate Cake: Sexy & always ready to give and receive. Very adventurous, ambitious and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream: You like sports, whether it is baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake: You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

BTW - My choice is and will always be Carrot Cake - Who knew that I was a little “quirky”?

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Never Better Than - Through The Eyes Of A Child

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones – why don’t you just keep the one you got now? … Jane

Dear God: I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. I like scissors too. … Ruthie

Dear God: Thank you for my baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. … Joyce

Dear God: Please put a holiday between Christmas and Easter. There’s nothing good in there right now. … Ginny

Dear God: If you watch in church on Sunday, I’ll show you my new sneakers. … Mickey.

Dear God: Out teacher told us that Mr. Edison made light but last week in Sunday school they said you did – so I bet he stoled your idea. … Donna

Dear God: Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this summer. … Peter

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel wouldn’t fight so much if they both had their own rooms. It works with my brother. … Larry

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A few guests were chatting at a Washington party. “Have you heard the latest dumb White House employee joke”? asked Sharon. “No”, replied Bill, “But I have to warn you that I work at the White House”. Well that’s okay then”, replied Sharon, “I’ll just speak slowly and use little words”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

In San Francisco, California three criminals carrying surf boards held up the First, Second and Third National Banks. Police officials and the mayor’s office fear it may be the start of a bizarre crime wave.

Lady: Aren’t you a cute little boy. What’s your name sweetheart?
Little Boy: My name is Connor.
Lady: That’s a nice first name. Can you tell me your full name?
Little Boy: Of course I can – It’s Connor Stop That!

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Joe: “I’d really like to cash a cheque but I don’t have an account with this branch. Can you help me anyway?”

Bank Teller: “It would certainly help if you can identify yourself”.

Joe: “Do you have a mirror?”

Bank Teller: “Certainly sir, right over there by the front door”.

Joe: (returning from the mirror) – “Yep, it’s me for sure”.

Two second graders were at the ROM looking at a mummy. At the bottom of the mummy case was a sign that said “1286 BC”. “What does that mean”, asked Billy. Sammy replied, “Oh that’s easy - it’s the license plate number of the car that hit him”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, “I can’t possibly look that old”? Well, I was sitting in the office of my new dentist when I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall. I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40 odd years earlier. Could this really be the same guy that I had a secret crush on all those years ago? However upon seeing him I quickly discarded the thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, we got to chatting and I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. Indeed he had. “When did you graduate”? I asked. He answered “In 1959 - why do you ask?” I smiled and said, “You were in my class”. He looked at me closely and then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, son-of-a-gun asked me, “Really, what subject did you teach”?

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

A beautiful, young and very married woman was having a very passionate affair with a handsome inspector from a local pest-control company. One day during an afternoon tryst, her husband arrived home quite unexpectedly. “Hurry”, said the woman to her lover, “Get into the closet right now” and she quickly pushed him into the closet stark naked.

Seeing his wife in bed in the middle of the afternoon, the husband became quite suspicious and after a thorough search of the bedroom, he discovered the naked man crouching in the closet.

“Who are you and why are you in my closet”, he asked the inspector.

“Why - I’m an experienced & trusted inspector from Bugs-B-Gone”' said the exterminator, “And I’m here investigating a very serious complaint about a severe infestation of moths”.

“And just where are your clothes”? asked the suspicious husband.

The naked man looked down at himself and said, “It’s a really good thing that I’m here - you can see just how fast these pesky, little moths work”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin.

I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . . “Poupon”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Sally: Susie did you know you’re wearing a brown shoe & a black shoe. Susie: What a coincidence – I have another pair at home just the same.

Stan to his golf caddy: Have you noticed any improvement since last year? Caddy: Yes – you bought a new golf cart.

George: Have you decided on costumes for the Halloween party?
Betty: Yes – since my husband is overweight and I’m crazy – I think we’ll go as a horse and buggy.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Instead of a joke - Slow down for a minute and read this …

Touching words - the wisdom of the young.

What Does Love Mean?

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a person you don’t like.”
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a boy you like his shirt even when he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody.
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and she has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it - you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

And the final one - Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry".

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

The Very Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a tracking system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

10: I've run away to join a different circus.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

OPP Officer: “You were driving your car and playing the saxophone at the same time”.
Sammy: “That’s right sir. It’s the only time I had to warm up before the concert tonight”.
OPP Officer: “Do you know what a dangerous thing you were doing”?
Sammy: “I don’t - but if you could hum a few bars - I bet I could pick it up”.

Johnny: “You think Toronto is a dangerous place - why right here in Ajax a guy pulled a razor on me”.
Fred: That’s awful - were you hurt”.
Johnny: No - fortunately he couldn’t find a place to plug it in”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around the local grocery store when they collide with each other. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that, but I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going”. The young guy says, “That's okay - it may be a coincidence but I’m looking for my wife, too. I can't seem to find her anywhere and I'm starting to feel a bit worried”. The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like”? The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, 5’ 10” tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes and long legs. She's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like”? The old guy says, “Oh, it doesn't really matter... let's look for your wife”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that he’d fixed up really nicely, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man chuckled and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swimming naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Hotel Clerk: I’m terribly sorry that we misplaced your reservation sir, but now we have no rooms. There are 4 conventions in town and all the rooms are booked.

Sam: Well now, if the Prime Minister – Mr. Harper was in town tonight – would you have a room for him?

Hotel Clerk: Well naturally we would.

Sam: Great - I happen to know that he’s in Halifax tonight – so just give me his room.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Okay let’s see how smart you are! Rumour has it that 80% of kiddies solve this riddle but that only about 5% of adults get it. Perhaps giving some legitimacy to the popular TV show …

“Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader”

Can you answer the following question with just one word?
1) The word has seven letters.
2) Preceded God.
3) Greater than God.
4) More evil than the devil
5) All poor people have it.
6) All wealthy people need it.
7) If you eat it – you will die.

So how’s the old I.Q. – did you get the answer? If you’ve given up just ask a kid.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Stella walked up behind her husband Jack and smacked him sharply on the head with a wooden ruler. Jack winced and said, “Stella why on earth did you do that”? Stella replied. “I told you when I married you that I wouldn’t tolerate you cheating on me. I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with the name Betty Sue written on it and I want an explanation”.

Jack laughed and said “For heaven’s sake Stella that was the name of a horse that I bet on in the 6th race at Woodbine yesterday. You know I’d never cheat on you”. A week later Stella smacked Jack on the head again with the ruler but this time she hit him even harder and said. “If you lie to me again Jack I’m leaving you”. “What did I do now”? protested Jack. “Stella replied, “I’m not sure what you’ve done but your horse just called”.

~ Another Really Bad Joke ~

Johnny: “Hey - you told me that you had purebred police dogs for sale. This animal is the mangiest, dirtiest, scrawniest mutt I’ve ever laid eyes on. How can you get away with calling him a police dog”?
Ted: “Hush - he’s working undercover”.

Fred: “Have you seen a police man nearby”?
Sam: “Why no I haven’t”
Fred: “Great - then stick ‘em up & give me all your cash”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

I can't believe I’ve been doing it wrong all these years. See below for proper instructions.
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How to weigh yourself

We must get the word out...

Women everywhere need to know this!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted out to me, "What setting should I use on the washing machine?”
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He stepped out of the laundry room and yelled back, "The University of Toronto”.
And they say blondes are dumb …

Tom and Martha were chatting in the living room after dinner. Tom said, "I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Martha replied, "I'll miss you”.

Herbie walked into a café and ordered a cup of coffee. Matt the waiter delivered it with a complimentary cinnamon bun. Herbie ignored the treat, poured the coffee into an ash tray and ate the cup and saucer – leaving only the cup handle. He called Matt over to his table and ordered six more cups of coffee. Matt delivered them as requested. Herbie repeated his prior behaviour until there was nothing but a pile of cup handles on the table. He turned to Matt and said, “You think I’m crazy don’t you?” Matt replied, “I certainly do - the handle is the best part”

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and whenever I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and have coffee with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter left home to start her own life he doesn't even pretend to like me. What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Good grief woman - grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. You're a Senator from New York and a candidate for President of the United States

Dating and Marriage

Donald: Oh Jessica – I’ve loved you since we first met. I know I don’t have buckets of money like my friend Dan, or a hot film career like Dan has, or his terrific good looks or sense of humour - but I’m loyal and I have a car. Marry me!
Jessica: Well, I love you to Donald - but before I accept your proposal, can you just tell me a bit more about your friend Dan.

Penelope: You dating service is a total sham.
Manager: Well now let’s see here. You requested someone not too tall, who likes cold weather and water sports and is a fancy dresser.
Penelope: That’s right but when I opened the door the other night for my date, there was a penguin standing there.

Millie: I heard the most amazing thing at Jenny’s wedding the other day. I never knew a woman could have 16 husbands.
Jane: That’s ridiculous.
Millie: No it’s not they said: 4 better – 4 worse – 4 richer and 4 poorer.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

For all of you with any money left after the holidays – you may want to be aware of these expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some really, really “Big Bucks”. Watch for these mergers and acquisitions during 2007.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become ~ Poly, Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and become ~ MMM Good.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ~ ZipAudiDoDa.

FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and then become ~ FedUP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become ~ Fairwell Honeychild.

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become ~ Knott NOW!

Getting Older

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Smiling coyly at him, she said, "supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

Brad: So Tommy boy - I’ll tell you something about happiness my bachelor friend and what it means. Do you have any idea what it means to come home to an adoring wife who hangs off every word I say and thinks I’m the smartest guy in the world, two well-mannered and loving children who are thrilled at the sight of me, a well trained dog, an organized home with a fully-stocked fridge and my golf clubs ready at the garage door for tomorrow’s game.

Tommy: I sure do – I’ve met your family and it means you’re in the wrong house!

Charlie lay sprawled out on a chaise, a glass of cold lemonade in his hand, looking over the 3 beautiful swimming pools on his vast estate. Paul, his best friend from childhood, sat on a chair next to him. Paul said, “You’ve done really well for yourself since moving to southern California from Hamilton”. Charlie smiled and nodded. Paul went on, “I know the money is free flowing, but I still don’t understand why you have three swimming pools”.

Charlie laughed and said, “Well, see that one with the steam rising off the surface of the water – that’s for my Canadian friends who come here and are always complaining about the cold. The pool with the overhead fans and the chilled glasses at the ready is for my friends from Mexico who are always griping that they are too hot”.

Paul replied, “Okay - that makes sense – but what about this exquisite middle pool with the beautiful hanging flowers baskets and the white and green striped cushions on the deck chairs – the pool with no water in it - what on earth is it for”? Charlie reached over and slapped Paul on the shoulder and said – “That pool, my friend, is for people like you who can’t swim”.

One day 18 year old Max went down to the local swimming pond for a dip. Before he dove in he noticed that his math teacher, Miss Johnson was just emerging from the pond after a skinny dip. When she saw Max she grabbed the only thing that was nearby – which happened to be an old wooden box – and held it up in front of her. “Young man” she said, “I know what you’re thinking”. Max replied, “And I know what you’re thinking too – you’re thinking that old wooden box has a bottom in it”.

Sarah stood on the bank of a river looking down on a fisherman by the shore as he worked his line. The fisherman caught a giant trout but immediately unhooked it and released it back into the water. Next he hooked a substantial pike. Once again he threw the fish back into the river. Finally he caught a small bass. He laughed and jumped all around and then put the little fish into his water bucket.

Sarah was intrigued by his behaviour, so she called down to him and said, “Why did you throw back a giant trout and a big pike and then keep a puny bass. The fisherman yelled back, “Because I’ve just got a small frying pan”.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Ben saw a sign in front of a house in England. "Talking Dog for Sale." He rang the bell and the owner told him that the talking dog was in the backyard. Ben went around into the backyard and saw a big, black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.
Trevor replied, "I sure do". Ben said -

"So, what's your story?" Trevor looked up and said, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was just a puppy and I really wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 - the UK's intelligence agency (this is where James Bond works) about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders - because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But finally the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly watching suspicious characters, sniffing for bombs and listening in on casual conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Then I met my true love and had a bunch of puppies. Now I'm retired".

Ben was amazed at Trevor's tale. He went back to the owner and asked him how much he wanted for the dog.

The owner said, "You can have him for ten quid."

Ben said, "But Trevor is absolutely amazing - why on earth would you sell him so cheaply?"

The owner said, "Cause he's a big liar. Trevor's never done any of that stuff he boasts about".

You are driving in a car at a constant rate of speed. On your right side is a valley. On your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it, try as you might. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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It’s quite simple - Get off the merry-go-round! >

Shopper: (Clearly Irritated) – You’re supposed to be a full service grocery store. But I ordered a dozen oranges and you only delivered 10. What’s the matter with you? Where is the service and the quality control?

Grocer: (Smiling) – That’s where our service and quality control really shine. Two of the oranges were bad so we threw them away for you.

Diner: Waiter – please bring me a bottle of you finest French wine.

Waiter: Very well sir, what year?

Diner: Well this year of course –we’d like to drink it with dinner.

Actress: Ah Darling – I just read your new book and it was quite simply divine. Do tell me – who wrote it for you?

Writer: I’m so delighted that you enjoyed it. But do tell me – who read it to you?

Are You Prone To Having Senior Moments?

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically OK, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from the chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen."

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"

Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it - a year is gone.
And I never see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race.

He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
But we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say, "I will call dear Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And the distance between us grows and grows.
He's around the corner, yet miles away.
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it's the right time - it may just be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends & family -
for they have helped to make you the person you are today.

What did the Terminator say to Beethoven? I’ll be Bach!
Music Critic “A” – What do you think of the pianist’s execution. Music Critic “B” – I’m in favour of it.
How do you repair a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
What did the cool shark yell to the ocean buoy? Yo – Home Buoy.
What’s woolly and plays really cool music? A Dixie Lamb Band.
What kind of music do tough cows like? Gangsteer Rap.
Ben: I can write great music but I’m failing my other university classes.

Sammy: Maybe you’re just a song and dunce man!

Janet: “Hello is this Acme Plumbing? Please come over as quickly as you can. I have a huge leak in my basement and there’s 4 feet of water down there”.

Acme: “I’m sorry lady – but I can’t get there for 2 days. As you can imagine – there are a lot of problems around town after the big rain storm”.

Janet: “Two days – are you crazy. What am I supposed to do in the meantime – I’ve got kids”.

Acme: “Why don’t you teach them to swim”

Johnny came home happily munching on a big chocolate ice cream cone. His mother said, “Where did you get that”. Johnny replied, “I bought it with the dollar you gave me”. His mother sputtered, “But that was for the collection plate in Sunday school”. “Oh I know” said Johnny, “But you see, the minister met me at the front door on my way into the church and he got me in for free”.

Karen: Boy – is Johnny ever absent-minded.

Roger: How absent-minded is he?

Karen: He’s so absent-minded that just the other day he stood in front of our bedroom mirror for 2 hours trying to remember where he’d seen himself before.

Buyer: I just paid a fortune for this little parrot and I sure hope he can talk up a storm so I can impress my friends with my investment.

Auctioneer: Of course he can talk – who do you think was bidding against you?

Jerry: Do you know why it’s so noisy in Tibet?

Jimmy: No, why?

Jerry: Because everywhere you go it’s just yak – yak – yak!

A man hobbled slowly in to a doctor’s waiting room – bent over almost double and grasping a cane in a bandaged hand.

Another patient looked on sympathetically and asked, “Do you have arthritis with complications?”

“No” replied the man, “I’m suffering from do-it-yourself with cinderblocks”.

As you may remember, the Head of a company survived the horror of the World Trade Centre on 9/11 because his son started kindergarten that day. Another fellow is alive because it was his turn to bring donuts. One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time. One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike due to an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus. One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change. One's car wouldn't start. One went back to answer the telephone. One had a child that dawdled & didn't get ready as soon as he should have. One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

So if you're stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone ... all the little things that annoy you - think instead that you're exactly where you're supposed to be at this very moment.

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated - Life is at work watching over you. May you continue to be blessed with all these annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose in your life.

Dear Diary:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane, energy-efficient kind. Then just this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them and he was complaining that the work had been completed more than a year ago and I still hadn't paid him for the windows.

"Hellooooo", I said, "Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically dumb. So I told him what his fast-talking salesman told me last year when I ordered the windows". He said, "In one year these windows will pay for themselves".

"Well - hellooooo", I told him, "It's been a year". There was only silence at the other end of the phone so I finally hung up.

He didn't call back. So I guess I won that stupid argument.

Reporter: Is it true that politicians tend to be evasive when asked a direct question or a question that they'd rather not answer?

Politician: Not necessarily.

Reporter: Well suppose I asked you what your favourite colour is - what would you say?

Politician: Well for heaven's sake - that's an easy one. My favourite colour is plaid.

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how smart you really are.

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he sucessfully expresses himself to the drug store clerk and buys a toothbrush.

Now ...

If there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses - how should he express himself?

Really think about this before you scroll down for the answer ...

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He opens his mouth and politely says - "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses".

Now be honest - Did you get it right?
If you didn't - Do not pass "go".

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the complaint sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that the ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the pilots of Qantas - (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. BTW

- Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet/minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed. And the best one for last ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M.for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

(Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests).

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights of stairs. Please choose carefully according to your needs and wants.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, but may also choose to go up to the next floor. However, you can't go back down except to exit the building!

So, Debbie goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs & Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids & Are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking & Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" Debbie exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework & Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
Debbie is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid any gender bias charges, the Husband Store owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money.
It is very interesting to note that floors 3 through 6 have never been visited.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Once upon a time there were 3 sisters - ages 92 - 94 & 96. They all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in the tub and paused. She yelled out

- "Was I getting in the tub or out"? The 94 year old hollered back. "I don't know but I'll come and see". She started up the stairs and then stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down"?
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea and listening to her two older sisters. She shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get to be that forgetful". So she knocked on wood for good measure, then she yelled up to her sisters - "I'll come up and help you both as soon as I see who's at the door".

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While in the office elevator gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
When in the elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Don't use any punctuation in your memos.
Use highlighter on your computer screen.

Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout out random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you get an email, shout ''email!".
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on & off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
Stop walking - skip everywhere you go.
Ask people what sex they are. Then say - "Are you sure?

My mind works just like lightning - one brilliant flash and then it's gone!
I hate sex in the movies - I tried it once but the seat folded up, my drink fell over and then I spilled my popcorn.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and then gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen just a row of vending machines and a large metal trash can.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. So you can imagine how relieved I was when he told me I just needed turn signal fluid and new sun roof pistons".
My neighbour was bitten by a stray, rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him that rabies could be cured and that he didn't need to update his Will. He said "Are you crazy - this isn't a Will - it's a list of people I want to bite".
It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable - but now, of course, there's shipping and handling.
I'm so depressed. My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flag pole on a condemned building.

A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shave perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he moved his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room - just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it - "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.

Wife: "I've got bad news Dear. The children are coming home early from visiting my parents".

Husband: "But we sent them to their Grandparents to avoid danger from the impending hurricane".

Wife: "I know Dear, but I just got a telegram from Dad that says - Returning the kids - send the hurricanne".

Moe: "I hear that exercise kills germs".

Joe: "That's just plain silly - how do you get a germ to exercise".

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once
said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and
replaced with exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do.

Here are some more of his gems:

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.

The husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him - "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that can go from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat. The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday!

Two city slickers - Mickey and Malcolm went on a corporate camping trip in the far north where their mission was to bond with their colleagues. They were divided - two to a campfire - no tents. Being unfamiliar with all things "country" neither had brought insect repellant. The mosquitos were the size of small birds and incredibly fierce. Mickey and Malcolm soon sought relief under their blankets. At one point Mickey peeked out from under his covering to see if the coast was clear. He saw some fireflies flitting in the darkness and cried out to Malcolm - "We may as well give up - they're coming after us with flashlights".

The foreman laughed out loud when a tiny old man in a red plaid shirt applied for a job as a lumberjack. "So what's your experience"? asked the foreman? The lumberjack replied, "Well - I've cut down one million trees. Have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest". "You mean the Sahara Desert" corrected the foreman. The lumberjack replied, "Sure - that's what they call it now".

An enterprising young man stood on a street corner with a stack of newspapers and shouted, "Extra, extra! Scam claims 210 victims - read all about it". A passerby stopped to purchase a copy of the paper and stood to one side of the road as he paged through the entire newspaper. Then he spoke up and said, "Hey, I can't find anything in here about a scam". "Extra, extra", shouted the young man, all the while ignoring the passerby, "Scam claims 211 victims".

A local fence manufacturer came to call on a farmer one day. He found the farmer in his orchard, hoisting an enormous pig up in his arms so the pig could eat apples directly from the tree. The businessman quipped - "I can see that it takes a lot of time to feed a pig that way". The farmer replied, "Yup - sure does, but this way I don't need a fence and besides what's time to a pig"?

Doreen was walking along the Boardwalk in The Beaches with her beloved beagle Henry. As luck would have it she found a lamp partly buried in the sand. Being of sound mind and body she rubbed the side of the lamp hoping for the appearance of the proverbial Genie. Sure enough said Genie appeared out of the spout of the lamp in a puff of smoke. He said to Doreen - "You can have three wishes and I'll grant them all". Because she was a lovely person Doreen's first thought wasn't for herself. She looked at the Genie and said "I wish that all the kids in the school where I teach would get along and work hard to have good grades." The Genie snapped his fingers and announced "Done". Doreen smiled and thanked the Genie. Her second wish was for a successful fund raising event for her upcoming church bazaar. The Genie said, "Your bazaar will raise ten times its usual amount. " The Genie looked fondly at Doreen and said, "Isn't there anything you want for yourself"? Doreen giggled and replied, "I'm just getting to that". She looked down at her dog Henry and said, "I want you to turn Henry into a rich, tall, dark and handsome Prince who will adore me, be the most romantic man who has ever lived and have eyes only for me". The Genie said "I can do that but just remember that this is your very last wish". Doreen promised that there was nothing more that she wanted in life". The Genie snapped his fingers and then promptly disappeared. Doreen looked up at the most handsome, beautifully dressed man she had ever seen. She swooned and fell into his arms - certain that romance was only moments away. Henry kissed her lightly on the forehead and said, "I bet you're sorry now that you had me fixed".

From Actual Church Bulletins

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Trying To Find Jesus."
Ladies - Remember the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of useless things so don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it - we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara is in hospital in need of prayers. She is having trouble sleeping and wants tapes of the Pastor's sermons.
Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early & listen to our choir practice.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at ten o'clock. Lunch to follow after the B.S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 sharp. Please use the back door.
The 8th. Grade will be doing Hamlet in the Church this Friday. The congregation is invited to this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I Upped My Pledge - now - Up Yours."

Jimmy walked into his ornithology class and found five birds standing on a table. Each had a bag covering its body so only its feet were visible. "What's this"? he asked Professor Johnson. It's an exam", replied the teacher, "Your job is to identify each bird just by looking at its feet, and I might add that even an idiot could pass this little test with flying colours". Jimmy frowned and said, "This is a stupid test". What's your name" replied the angered professor - his nose clearly out of joint. Jimmy grinned, took off his socks and shoes, pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me".

A well dressed man entered a bar, leaned against the counter, ordered two very expensive drinks and downed them in a minute. He then ordered two even more expensive drinks and drank them just as quickly. He then smiled at the bartender and said "Set 'em up again, Buddy". The bartender complied. The drinks disappered in short order. Finally satisfied, the man sat down on a bar stool and lit a cigar. The bartender looked at his customer and said, "Wow - I've never seen a person down 6 drinks that quickly - is everything alright". The man said - "Well if you had what I have you'd be drinking quickly too". Leaning closer the sympathetic bartender said, "I'm so sorry - what do you have". The man replied - "I just left divorce court and I've got fifty cents".

Johnny walked into a bar and told the bartender he had something amazing to show him and he'd share it for a beer. The bartender was in a jovial mood and he poured Johnny a glass of his best and pushed it across the bar. From his coat pocket Johnny took out a tiny piano and a chair. From another pocket he produced a little white mouse and sat it in the chair. From a third pocket he took out a beautiful butterfly and sat it on the piano. The mouse tuned up the piano and the butterfly sang a classical Cole Porter tune. When the song was over, Johnny put his little act back in his pockets, finished his beer and turned to leave. As he was walking away he put five dollars on the bar and said to the bartender - "I feel as if I have to pay for my beer because I deceived you - the butterfly can't sing a note - the mouse is really a ventriloquist"

Okay I know this is naughty but I just couldn't resist. Be honest - someone you know may just come to mind.

Thought For The Day:

Some people are like Slinkies

Not really good for anything

But they still bring a smile to your face

When you push them down a flight of stairs!

Libby was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that Libby couldn't take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring at him so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $20.00 on one condition." Flabbergasted, Libby asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. " Libby considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her wallet. She pressed the money into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly purred ...

"Clean my house."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. They could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. T he stop light was red but they just went right through. Doreen who was sitting in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I'm sure we just went through a red light", but she settled back to enjoy the ride, thinking she must have been wrong. A few minutes later they came to another intersection and cruised right through the red light. Doreen got a little nervous and decided to pay really close attention at the next intersection. Sure enough they zipped right through the next red light. Doreen had had enough. She turned to Mildred and said, "You just drove straight through three red lights - are you trying to kill us". Mildred replied, "Oh for heaven's sake - I didn't realize I was driving"

Ernie had just finished his first golf lesson and his enthusiasm for his new found sport was boundless. His skill level was another matter. He turned to his instructor Tom and said, "Just watch me - I'm going to make this a hole in two". He selected his driver, teed up and fixed his eye on the ball. Ernie swung his club and sent the ball a whopping twenty feet out onto the fairway. Undaunted, he turned to Tom and said, "Now it's time for a record-breaking putt"!

Jimmy and Johnny were out bear hunting. They rounded a corner and spotted a bear about fifty feet away. Jimmy fired a shot at the animal but the bullet whistled past the bear's ear. This made the bear angry and he growled and started to lumber towards the two men. Johnny sat down on a rock and took out his running shoes. The bear started to run in their direction. Jimmy said, "Are you crazy we have to get out of here." He started to run in his heavy hiking boots. Johnny soon sailed past him in his running shoes and said, "You see Jimmy my friend - I don't have to outrun the bear - I just have to outrun you".

Cynthia was worried about her parrot. He looked lifeless so she took him to the emergency vet. The vet took one look at the bird and said, "I'm sorry - your parrot is dead". Cynthia replied, "How can you tell so quickly - are you certain he's dead? Is there a test you can do to be sure?" The vet whistled and in came a black Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffed the bird a couple of times, looked at the woman forlornly, shook his head and left the room. Cynthia was distraught. She said, "How can I believe a dog shaking his head?" The vet left the room and came back with a cat. He put the cat on the table. The cat looked closely at the parrot, walked around it a couple of times, prodded it with his foot, shook his head and then jumped off the table and disappeared. Finally Cynthia accepted the inevitable and turned to leave. The vet called her back and said, "You can pay the $500.00 bill at the counter on your way out". Cynthia shrieked $500.00. How can you be charging me that much money to tell me that my parrot is dead.? Are you crazy?" The vet replied, "I told you the bird was dead - but you doubted my judgement and now I have to charge you for the lab report and the cat scan."

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who also just happened to be a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's drivers license. The blonde driver searched through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated when she couldn't locate it. "What does a license look like?" the blonde driver finally asked. The blonde policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square cosmetic mirror, looked at it and then handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Jimmy was an old man. He lived alone in the country and very much wanted to dig his potato garden for the spring planting but it was extremely hard work and Jimmy had grown feeble over the years. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. Jimmy wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad these days because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here all my troubles would be over. I know you'd dig the garden for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later Jimmy received this letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up the garden - that's where I buried the body and the money.

Love,

Fred.

At 4:00 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and the local police arrived at Jimmy's place and dug up the entire area. They found nothing, apologized to Jimmy and left. The same day Jimmy received another letter from Fred.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. Under the circumstances - it's the best I could do.

Love You,

Fred.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota. Ray liked to fish each day at the crack of dawn and his wife Eileen liked to read. One morning Ray returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake Eileen decided to take the boat out. She enjoyed the sunshine as she motored out into the lake, then she anchored and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up along side Eileen and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing"? "Reading a book" replied Eileen (thinking - isn't this obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informed her. Eileen looked at him and said, "That may be, but I'm reading, I'm not fishing". "Yes I see that" said the warden, "But you have all the equipment in your boat and you could start to fish at any time and then you'd be breaking the law. I'm going to have to ask you to follow me to shore where I'm going to write this up". Eileen looked at him and said, "If you do that, I'll charge you with sexual assault". The warden was dumbfounded. He responded, "Don't be ridiculous I haven't so much as touched you". Eileen smiled sweetly and said, "That may be true, but you have all the equipment and you could start at any time and then you'd be breaking the law". The warden tipped his hat to Eileen and said, "Have a nice day Ma'am", and left.

The Moral - Never argue with a woman who reads - She also thinks!

The children were all lined up in the school cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school waiting patiently for the lunch line to move along. At the start of the serving line was a huge bowl of wonderful, polished red apples. One of the Nuns had posted a sign that said, "Take only one apple - God is watching" At the far end of the long line sat a tray of delectable chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny looked back along the line at the Nun who was watching the children. He took out a pad of paper and his crayons. As the kids moved along big smiles broke out on their faces. Johnny had written, "Take all the cookies you want - God is busy watching the apples".

There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness.

You should never confuse your career with your life.

Never lick a steak knife.

You will never find a person who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.

Your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. A lone amateur built the Ark - a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

If you had to identify one word to explain why human beings have not achieved their full potential - it would be "meetings".

The one thing that unites all human beings is the belief that they are "above-average" drivers.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Dan and Jeannie had saved for two years for their dream vacation in Italy. They lived in a small town about an hour from Toronto and decided to spring for a limo ride to the airport. They settled into the back seat of the luxury car and enjoyed the ride to the big city, talking and laughing about all the places they planned to visit and the wonderful food and wine in Tuscany. When they pulled up at "Arrivals", Jeannie looked at Dan and said, "Gee, Honey I wish we had our television set with us". Dan laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, why on earth would we want the TV in Italy"? Jeannie shrugged and said, "Because the plane tickets are on top of it".

A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for his generation to understand the youth of today. "You grew up in a different world", the student said - loud enough for the spectators sitting around them to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel,man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with high speed processing capabilites ... and uh". Taking advantage of the pause in the student's litany, the geezer replied, "You're right, we didn't have those things when I was young - so my generation invented them you little twit. So, what is the youth of today doing for the next generation?"

Two billy goats escaped from a farmer's field and ended up nosing around the back lot of a huge Hollywood movie studio. One of the goats knocked over a garbage can and a big spool of film fell to the ground and started to unroll. The second goat chased after it and came back with the loose end in his mouth. Because goats will eat anything the two escapees started munching on the film and soon the entire reel had been consumed. Joey, the first goat said,"Well what did you think of that"? Bozo the second goat replied, "Hummm - it wasn't too bad but I think I preferred the book".

Sam got more than a little tipsy at a holiday party and was flirting outrageously with the women guests, and dancing with anyone who was available. When he took a turn around the dance floor with one of the waiters - it was too much for his wife Penny. She collected him from the floor where he'd fallen down and dragged him back to his chair. She said sweetly, "Dear, remind me to put a piece of raw steak on your black eye when we get home". Sam giggled and said, "You're silly, honeybun - I don't have a black eye" Penny snapped back, "You're not home yet".

Ben - a rookie Toronto police officer sat in his cruiser watching in disbelief as the driver made his way haphazardly through traffic. He was going eastbound in rush hour on Richmond Street, a one way street that runs west. Ben jumped out of his car and waved the driver over. He walked up to the sporty red car and the dazed young man rolled down his window. "Just where do you think you're going"? asked Ben. "I don't know" responded the confused driver, "But as you can see I must be late. Everyone else is already coming back".

The husband had just finished reading this book - "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then after dinner you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath - guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director" replied his wife.

Jenny jumped on the Queen Street trolley in The Beaches one morning for her usual ride to Yonge Street. She sat down beside a young man with a big duffle bag at his feet. He looked at her and said, "Hi - I'm Joe". Every time the trolley pulled up to a stop Joe took a French horn out of his bag and gave it a sharp blast. Jenny was curious and said, "Joe, why are you blowing that horn at every stop"? Joe replied, "To keep the elephants from charging the trolley". Jenny said, "That's ridiculous - there are no elephants around here". "I know", said Joe proudly - "This is a very effective technique".

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. Emma Jones was a petite, elderly, grandmotherly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes I do Mr. Williams - I've known you since you were a small boy, and quite frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never be more than a two bit paper pusher - yes I know you". The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" Emma replied, "Oh yes, I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy and bigoted. He has a drinking problem. He can't have a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. He has cheated on his wife with three local women, one of whom was your wife Mr. Williams. Oh yes I certainly know Mr. Bradley".

The judge banged his gavel down on the bench and said to the two lawyers, "Sidebar". When Mr. Williams and Mr. Bradley approched the judge, he said "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail for contempt. Do I make myself clear?"

If you've ever wanted a good motto to live by - I think this one qualifies. I have no idea who penned this litte gem - but I'm going right out to buy Champagne and strawberries!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather you should skid in sideways - Champagne in one hand and strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out while you scream - "Woo-Yaa - What A Ride"!!!

Millie, a proud grandmother wanted her five year old grandson James to have a real appreciation for culture and the arts. At every opportunity she took him to a gallery opening, a film appropriate to his age or an afternoon musical event. She organized a matinee at the ballet and was really excited to see how James would react. The boy had never seen a ballet before and he watched intently as the ballerinas pranced around on their toes. After the show was over, Millie asked the youngster if he had enjoyed the show and if he had any questions. James thought a moment and said, "Nana - I really liked the music and the costumes, but I think it would make more sense if they just hired taller dancers".

Mayor Miller was driving to work one morning when he noticed two men busily working away at the side of the road. One man was digging a hole then walking along the road a few feet and starting to dig a new hole. Behind him another workman was following along filling in the holes. The mayor stopped his car, got out and walked over to the two men. Both of them looked up as he approached and one man said, "Well good morning to you Mr. Mayor". The mayor replied, "I'm a little curious about your job description - what are you doing?" "Oh nothing out of the ordinary Sir - we're usually a three man crew, however Herbie, the man who actually plants the trees is off sick today. When we told our boss, he suggested that we just proceed as usual - so here we are".

Old Doc Smith was a regular at Mike's Bar and Grill. For the last 30 years he'd ordered the same drink every day at 5:00 P.M.- a walnut daiquiri. One day, Mike ran out of walnuts. He poked around the kitchen and found a package of hickory nuts. It was almost five o'clock - these would have to do and Mike though that Doc probably wouldn't even notice. Doc arrived right on time and Mike put the cocktail on the bar in front of him. Doc smiled, took a sip and immediately made a face - "What's going on here - this isn't a walnut daiquiri." Mike was shamefaced and he replied, "You're right and I'm sorry, but it's the best I could do today - there ain't no mouse and there's no darn clock, but this is definitely a hickory daiquiri, Doc"

Billy Joe, a young Texan was visiting England for the first time and he wanted to see Oxford University. He arrived at the hallowed halls of learning and said to an Oxford don, who just happened to be walking by, "Excuse me, but is that Trinity College I'm looking at?" "You are probably unaware that you have just ended your sentence with a preposition", sneered the don, "You may want to rephrase that question and I'll be happy to help you". Billy Joe replied, "I can easily do that. Can you please take a moment of your precious time and kindly tell me if that is Trinity College I'm looking at, you jerk?"

Harry was walking down a country road when he saw a car run over a rabbit. The driver pulled over and stopped his vehicle. Harry said, "Too bad about the rabbit". Mel the driver of the car said, "Oh I'm not worried, he'll be fine in a moment". He went to the trunk of his car and pulled out an aerosol can and proceeded to spray its contents all over the rabbit. About five minutes later the rabbit got up and hopped away. About ten feet down the road it stopped, turned around and waved. Then it hopped another ten feet, stopped, turned around and waved again. It did this until it disappeard from sight a long way down the road. Mel tosed the can on the side of the road, jumped in his car and drove away. Harry was astonished. He picked up the can and read the label. It said - "Use for hair restoration and permanent wave".

Tom stood over his tee shot for an inordinate amout of time. He looked up and then back down at the ball. He was calculating the distance in his mind and factoring in the wind direction and the speed at which he would have to hit the golf ball. This nonsense was driving his golfing partner to distraction, and finally Ed said, "Would you just hit the stupid ball, so we can get off the first hole before noon". Tom answered, "My wife is up there in the club house watching me and I want this to be a perfect shot". Ed snapped back, "Forget it Tom, there is absolutely no way you can hit her from here".

Cecil had just finished reading a book on ice-fishing. He was really eager to try it and convinced he would be an amazing ice-fisher. He followed the book's instructions to the letter and drew out a circle the proper size on the ice. He had just finished cutting a hole in the ice when a voice thundered out of nowhere and said, "There are no fish in there now. There have never been any fish in that hole and there never will be any fish in that hole". Cecil looked heavenward and with a trembling voice said "God, is that you"? "No, you idiot", boomed the voice, "It's the Rink Manager".

Just For Fun (Be Forwarned - These are really, really bad) ...
How do you catch a wild rabbit?	Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?	Tame way - unique up on it.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?	A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?	Natcho cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?	Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call milk from a pampered cow?	Spoiled milk.
Where do you find a cat with no legs?	Right where you left him.
Why did Pilgrim's pants always fall down? They wore their belt buckles on their hats.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?	A bad golfer says - "Whack" - dang. A bad skydiver says - "Dang" - whack.
Now admit it - at least one of these made you smile!!!

Samantha is a very bright little girl. One day she went with her father to the local police division so he could ask about an error on a traffic ticket. She sat on a chair in a room at the entranceway while her father spoke to the desk officer. She was looking at the "wanted" pictures of numerous criminals on the wall, when a police officer walked into the room. "Good morning Sir", she said to the policeman, "Why are all these pictures on the wall?" The officer sat down beside her and replied, "These are all very bad men who we want to catch and put in jail". Samantha thought about this for a minute and then said, "If they're really bad people and you want to put them in jail, why didn't you just keep them here when you were taking their pictures?"

Benny's car ran out of gas on a desert highway. It was noon and he thought he'd just walk to the next service stop. After a couple of miles he was exhausted and soon he collapsed on the road. He was crawling and dizzy with thirst, when a car came along. Benny gasped, "Give me water". Harry, the driver said, "I'll give you water if you buy one of my designer ties - they're only $5.00". Benny snapped, "You moron I don't want a tie - I need water"". Harry said, "There is no need to be rude and you'll be sorry". Then he drove off and left Benny on the road. Benny crawled the final mile to the next stop which had a lovely restaurant. He collapsed at the feet of the Maitre'd and pleaded, "I need to sit down and have some water". The Maitre'd replied - "I'm very sorry sir, we have strict rules here - you can't come in without a tie".

Carol, a mother of 2, was observing her children sledding in the back yard one sunny winter day. She noticed a pattern in their play and finally called her 8 year old son James in to the kitchen to speak to him. "James", she said, "I thought I told you to share the toys equally with your sister". James looked at Carol and said, "Mom, I am sharing. Becky plays with the sled going up the hill and I play on the sled coming down".

Father to 6 year old son, Harry: "When I was your age, I was too poor to buy lunch and I had to work every day after school, even though I was only in Grade 1. Harry replied," Gee Daddy, I guess you're a lot happier now that you live with Mommie and me".

Luigi was a very successful business man who felt that he owed his Mother a great debt of gratitude because she had always believed in him, and stood by him during the difficult years. She lived alone in the family home in the old neighbourhood. For her birthday he decided to get her something really special - a trained parrot who could sing her favourite, grand operas. Of course, the parrot cost an absolute fortune, but it would be a wonderful companion for the old lady. He had the parrot sent over the morning of her birthday. A day later he called her and said, "Ma - did you like my birthday present?" "Yes dear" she replied. "Absolutely delicious."

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer and a politician were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said, "Look guys, it's obvious, Eve was created from the rib of Adam and that was definitely a surgical procedure". The engineer said, "Don't be so certain - before Adam and Eve,order was created out of chaos and that is definitely an engineerig job". The politician said, "You guys are both wrong my profession is the oldest - if not for politicians - where do think the chaos came from"?

Michael, a hospital administrator was walking down the hall outside Operating Room #3 when the door flew open and a scantily clad patient darted past him. Michael called out to the man, "What on earth is wrong?" The man turned around and replied, "I had to get out of there before they put me under". Michael said, 'What kind of operation were you having". The man said, "An appendectomy". Michael shrugged and said, "But that is a relatively short, simple procedure". The man said, "Well the nurse explained, first we put the patient under, then we swab and sterilize the area around the abdomen, then we make a short incision with a scalpel and clamp open the skin, then the appendix is removed. We make sure no instruments have been left inside, then we close and stitch the incision" "That sounds about right" said the administrator, "The nurse explained it all so why are you so afraid?" The man said, "Because, she wasn't explaining it to me, she was talking to the doctor".

Two bowling teams charter a bus to take them to Atlantic City for the week-end. At the last minute it turns out that the only vehicle available is a double-decker bus. On the evening they leave, Team "B" is fresh from a big bowling win and the subsequent liquid celebration, so they climb up to the top of the bus. Team "A" takes the bottom level - and off they go. The guys in the lower level are whooping it up and having a grand old time. They suddenly realize that it's very, very quiet upstairs, and that seems out of character for team "B". Doug climbs up the steps to see what's wrong. All the guys are clutching the backs of their seats and they are as white as sheets. "Why are you guys so quiet" he says, "We're having a great time downstairs and you're like a bunch of old ladies up here". "Oh sure", whispered Harold, "That's easy for you to say - you guys down there got a driver".

Smith, Jones and White were driving to the train station to catch the 10: 30 A.M. express train to Montreal when their car had a flat tire. By the time they arrived, the train was just pulling out of the station. Smith and Jones sprinted down the platform and jumped aboard. White was a minute too late and with a final whistle blow the train disappeared out of the station. White turned around and walked back along the platform. The conductor patted him on the back and said, "Don't worry - there is another express train this afternoon at 4:30 P.M. and your ticket will be honoured at that platform. White grinned and said, "Oh, don't worry about me - I'll have some lunch and read the paper - the joke is on Smith and Jones - they were just here to see me off".

"Clever Retorts"

Boss: How many times do I have to tell you to answer the phone when it rings.
Secretary: Why should I - it's always for you.

Samantha: Do you like going to work?
David: Yes I do and I like going home too. It's the time in between that I don't like.

Chairman: George - will you open today's meeting for our guests with a reading of last month's minutes.
George: Certainly sir. First you spoke for 5 minutes, then Hank spoke for 2 minutes, then Judy talked
for about 45 seconds. Then you called us a bunch of nuckle-heads and stormed out of the room.

May: How was your day at work, dear.
Mikey: It was just great. My boss told me to try to see the big picture ... so I spent the afternoon at the
movies!

Tom: Why is that chimneysweep so happy?
Susie: Because it's flue season.

Reporter: Jack - I'm so sorry that your rubber ball manufacturing business went bankrupt.
Businessman: Thanks - but don't worry, I'll bounce back.

Brad: Sir, the computer system is down again.
Boss: What happened?
Brad: That stupid Joey dropped a rubber band into it and now it's making snap decisions.

Boss: I thought I told you to mail out those information circulars.
Billy: You did sir, but Jennifer told me that we're all out of round envelopes.

Employee: Sir, I really want to work in the mattress department. What do I have to do?
Employer: Well - first - you'll have to go to spring training.

This little quiz will test the old brain power. If you get 4 right then you are to be congratulated. When you're finished - pass it along to all your smart friends.

1) How long did the 100 Years War Last?
2) What country makes Panama hats?
3) From what animals do we get "cat gut"?
4) When do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made from?
6) What animal are the Canary Islands in the Pacific named after?
7) What was King George VI's first name? (Hint - it wasn't King).
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where do Chinese gooseberries grow?
10) What colour is the black box in a commercial airliner?

So ... How Did You Do?

1) 116 Years.
2) Ecuador.
3) Sheep & Horses.
4) November.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) Dogs.
7) Albert.
8) Crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Orange.

"Funny Thoughts".

A Hamburger walked in to a bar and the bar tender immediately said, "Sorry, buddy but we don't serve food in here".

Always borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect to get it back.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird, religious cult? (Rita Rudner).

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can and that's almost $7.00 in dog money. (Joe Weinstein).

Cats are smarter than dogs - you can't get 8 cats to pull a sled through the snow. (Jeff Valdez).

Dogs have "masters" ... but Cats have "staff".

I know that dogs are "pack" animals and that pack animals always "rove", but come on, a "pack of poodles" - where would they rove to - Bloomingdale's? (Yvonne Clifford).

Cindy was visiting her blonde friend Becky one afternoon. Becky said, "Oh lookie Cin - I've just purchased 2 new dogs and I'm sooooooooo excited about them". Cindy patted the 2 dogs and asked Becky what their names were. Becky replied, "Well it took me forever to think of names, but finally I realized they should be called Rolex and Timex. Cindy said, "How on earth did you come up with those names. What's wrong with more traditional names like Rover and Lassie?" Becky giggled and said - "Helloooooooo Cindy - golly, gosh - they're watch dogs aren't they?"

An old lion was finding it difficult to hunt. He just wasn't as fast as he used to be and he was often hungry. One day he decided that he would have to use trickery so he went to the costume store and bought a guerilla suit and put it on. He looked at himself in the mirror and decided that the disguise was brilliant. That night he would be successful. He decided to hang out at the local watering hole and wait for his dinner to arrive. When he got to the pond there were two eagles sitting on a rock. The lion nodded, confident in his deception. The one eagle looked at the lion and said, "Good evening Mr. Lion." The lion was shocked. "He said, "How did you know it was me. Was it my gait - was it all wrong, or doesn't my fur look real, or was it something else?" The second eagle replied, "Heavens no, you've got the guerilla walk down just right and the fur looks amazing ... but unfortunately ... "You just can't hide those lyin' eyes".

Ted recently went to a new primary care physician. After 2 visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor told Ted that he was doing fairly well for his age. Ted was a bit concerned about this comment, so he asked the doctor if he thought he would live to be 90. The doctor replied, "Well do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" Ted replied, "Oh no, I've never done either". So the doctor said, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and BBQ'd ribs". Ted said, "No, I've heard that red meat is very bad for you, so I cut that out of my diet". The doctor shook his head and asked, "Well do you play tennis or golf in the sunshine?" Ted shook his head and said, "No, the sun's rays are dangerous - so I mostly stay indoors". The doctor continued, "Well do you ever gamble in Vegas, drive fast cars or run around with beautiful women". Ted said, "Oh no, I've never done any of those things". The doctor patted Ted on the back and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 90?"

Arnie walked into a very exclusive shoe store and asked to be shown several pairs of shoes. He tried on a walking sandal, then some sneakers, then a casual loafer. Finally he decided on a pair of shiny black oxfords. "So, how do they feel", asked the sales clerk. "Well", said Arnie , "The left one feels a wee bit tight. The sales clerk bent down and studied the man's foot. He looked at Arnie and said, "Try pulling your tongue out and then tell me if it helps". Arnie did as he was asked and replied ... "Waaal - theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth".

Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Professional?

This always makes me laugh & I know why pre-schoolers do so well on this test - they think outside the box, whereas may of us have forgotten how to do that. The quiz consists of 4 questions and the answers are really not all that difficult.

1) How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

The correct answer is - Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2) How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

Did you say - "Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in and close the door?" If you did then you got the answer wrong, because the correct answer is - Open the door, take the giraffe out of the refrigerator, put the elephant in and close the door.

This question tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals are there except one - who is missing?

The correct answer is the elephant and he is not there because he is in the refrigerator.
This question tests your memory.

4) There is a river you must cross that is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you get to the other side?

The correct answer is you swim safely across. You are able to do this because all the animals are attending the Animal Conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

So how did you do? "Go Ahead" - pass this along to all your smart friends!

James asked his wife Martha what she would like for their 40th. wedding anniversary. "For instance would you like a new mink coat? How about a new Mercedes sports car? Or maybe a new home in the country, or a world-wide vacation?" Martha shook her head in response to all his questions. So James said, "Then what would you like honey". Martha replied, "James - I would like a divorce". James shook his head slowly and said, "Sorry my dear, but I wasn't planning on spending quite that much".

I went to the store the other day and I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy - how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked idiot. He glared at me, took out another ticket and said, "Here's a ticket for worn tires". So I called him a wanna-be Hell's Angel with a sissy blue uniform. He finished the second ticket and put it under the wiper along side the first one. So I called him a low-life moron. So he wrote up a ticket for the small crack in the back window of the car. This went on until there were 5 tickets under the wiper - totalling $400.00. But I didn't really care because my car was parked around the corner. I do try to have a litte fun every day - I think it's important, don't you?

Doreen came home one day to find her husband Tom stalking around the house with a large green fly swatter. "What on earth are you doing?", she asked. Tom said, "Quiet - I'm hunting flies". Doreen smiled and said, "Wow, a man on a mission - how has your sucess rate been?" Tom replied, Great so far, 3 males and 2 females". "Really", said Doreen, "And just how can you tell which is which?" "Well it's easy", said Tom - 3 flies were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on an airplane. The stranger turned to the boy and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights seem to go by faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger". Little Johnny had just settled down with a new book but he smiled, closed the book and said to the man, "What would you like to discuss?" The stranger replied, "Oh I don't know - what about nuclear power?" "Okay", said Little Johnny, "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass - which is the same stuff. However a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? "Jeez", said the stranger, "I have no idea". "Well then" said Little Johnny as he picked up his book, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know anything about the basics of life?"

Even though Jenny and her husband Charlie both work full time - he never seems to have the time to help around the house and then he wonders why he and his wife have so little time for romance. One week-end he read an article in the local newspaper that said that working women who must also look after the entire household were too tired for romance with their husbands. Charlie thought this was ludicrous - how on earth could a little housework tire a person out? One evening Jenny got home from work to find the children bathed, the laundry done and folded, dinner on the stove and the table set. She was astonished. The next day she was telling her friend Pam about the evening. Pam said, "So how was the rest of the night, after Charlie put the kids to bed and cleaned up the dishes. "Well" said Jenny, "I was all set for hugs and kisses, but I read a book instead, because Charlie fell asleep on the couch".

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to a local playground and sat down beside a 10 year old boy and said. Okay, here's what is going to happen. I am going to kidnap you. So she wrote a note that said ... "I have kidnapped your son. Tomorrow you must put $10,000 in small bills in a paper bag and place it beside the pecan tree that is next to the swings in the north playground" - signed ... A Blonde.

Next she took the note and pinned it on the kid's tee-shirt and told him to go straight home to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked and sure enough a paper bag was sitting next to the pecan tree, beside the swing set in the north playground. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 - all in small bills - with a note that said ... "How could you possibly do this to a fellow blonde?"

Bill and Sarah are getting ready to go out for dinner on Saturday night. Both of them have been extremely busy during the day and have been knocking around in sweats and tee-shirts doing typical week-end errands. After her shower, Sarah sits down at her make-up table and methodically applies concealer, foundation, eyebrow pencil, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, blush, lip liner, lipstick and lip gloss. She studies her reflection in the mirror and thinks she looks pretty darn good for a woman of 47. As Bill walks into the bedroom, Sarah turns around and says, "Now, tell me the truth Honey - does this look natural?"

Young Jimmy and his doting grandmother Ellie were walking by the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept Jimmy out to sea. Ellie was horrified. She fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. Lo and behold, another monumental wave appeared and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her. Ellie looked the boy over carefully to be sure that he was okay. Convinced that Jimmy was fine, she looked up angrily to the heavens and snapped indignantly - "When we came to the beach - he had a hat".

How about "never" - is never good enough for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'll try to be nicer - if you try to be smarter.
I can see your point of view - but I still think you're an idiot.
I will always cherish the initial misconception that I had about you.
Thank you - I am refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
You are sounding reasonable to me - it must be time to increase my medication.
Just sit there a minute longer - I'm visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Don't worry - my special powers can only be used for good deeds!

Four year old Johnny watched, fascinated as his mother, Millie, sat down at her make-up table and began to smooth cold cream on her face. She massaged the cream down her neck and then patted her hands together. She smiled down at little Johnny , who said, "Mommy, why do you do that"? "Well, to make myself beautiful", Millie responded. A few minutes later she began to remove all the cold cream with a fresh tissue. Little Johnny was very perplexed by this and said to Millie - "What's the matter Mommy, are you giving up already"?

For All You Guys Out There!

Dangerous: What's for dinner? Safer: Can I help you with dinnner. Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?

Dangerous: Are you going to wear THAT? Safer: Gee, you look good in brown. Safest: Wow! Just look at you!

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about? Safer: Could you be over-reacting? Safest: I agree with you 100%.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that? Safer: Dear, there are lots of veggies left. Safest: Another glass of wine?

Dangerous: What did you do all day? Safer: I hope you had a rest today. Safest: Honey, love you in that bathrobe!

Billy innocently asked his boss - Bruce - one day if he could have a day off work. Bruce was having a particularly bad day and he turned to Billy and said ... "Let's take a look at exactly what you're asking for here, Billy. There are 365 days per year available for you to work. That is 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week - leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available for work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year - leaving only 68 days available for work. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you have used up another 46 days - leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year as sick days. This leaves you only 20 days per year available to work. We offer 5 government guarenteed holidays per year so your available working time is now down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation every year and that ... Billy, leaves you only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if I'm going to give you that day OFF!

When Bob - the trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door.The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, Heather catches up again. She jumps out of her car and runs up to the truck and knocks on the door again. Bob lowers the window As if she has never seen him before she says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some more of your load. Shaking his head, Bob winds up his window and drives on. At the third red light the same thing happens again. This time she is all out of breath but Heather diligently gets out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door. When Bob lowers the window she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing even more of your load and I think this is a really serious matter and if you don't do something pretty darn soon I'm gonna call a policeman. When the light turns green, Bob revs the engine and races up to the next red light. Here he stops the truck and hurriedly jumps down to the street and races back to Heather's car. He knocks on the window and when Heather lowers it he says, "Hi, my name is Bob - this is Indiana - it's winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK".

Josh bought a new, red Mercedes Sports Car (a convertible, of course) and took it out onto the 401 for a nice relaxing evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing though his hair and he decided to open the car up a bit see how it moved. As the speed jumped up to 140 he saw the dreaded flashing red light in his rear view mirror. Josh thought to himself, "There's no way this cop can catch me in my new Mercedes", so he opened the car up even more and the needle hit 160 and then 190. The police car stayed with him. Finally Josh thought to himeslf, "What on earth am I doing here?" and he pulled over to the side of the expressway. The cop came up to the side of the car and asked for licence and insurance. He examined the documents and looked at the sleek, red car. He said to Josh, "Look buddy, I've had a really tough shift and you are the last guy I'm going to pull over for the night. I don't even feel like doing the paperwork here, so if you can give me a really good excuse for driving the way you were and one I haven't heard before ... then you can go - no ticket". Josh hung his head and then looked up at the policeman and said seriously, "Officer, just last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were gonna try and give her back to me". The cop smiled at Josh, tossed back his I.D. and said "You have a nice night".

Jeff, the mechanic, was removing the head from the motor of a motorcycle, when he spotted a well known heart surgeon walk through the door of his shop. The surgeon waited patiently for assistance. Jeff wiped off his hands and walked over to the counter. He said, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question"? The surgeon seemed a bit surprised but he nodded yes. Jeff said, "Come on over here and have a look at this chopper. You see I can open up its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I only make a quarter of the money that you make when we are bascally doing the very same job"? The surgeon smiled and said to Jeff ... "Point well taken, but try doing it with the engine running".

Corporate Lesson:

A sales representative, an administrative clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp on the sidewalk. Naturally they rub it and a Genie pops out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says - "You lucky people - you can each have a wish". "Me first ... me first", says the administrative clerk ... "I want to be in Hawaii, lying on a beach sipping a tall, cool drink". Poof, she's gone! In astonishment the sales representative grabs the lamp and says ... "Me next ... me next - I want to be in the Bahamas with my personal trainer, an endless supply of Pina Colades and the love of my life". Shazam - he disappears. "Okay" - says the Genie to the manager, "Your turn". The manager chuckles and says, "I want those two back in the office by the time I return from lunch". And the moral of the story is - "Always let your boss have the first say".

I asked the children in my Sunday School Class - "If I sold my house, my car and all my possessions and gave all the money to the church would I get into heaven"? "NO", all the children said. So I continued "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and kept fresh flowers at the altar, would I get into heaven"? Again they said "NO". "Well", I said "Then how do I get to heaven?" From the back of the room 5 year old Danny shouted out, "You gotta be dead".

Four brewery Presidents walk into a tavern and sit down at the bar. The guy from Corona says to the bartender - "You know I would like a bottle of the world's best beer - so hit me with a Corona". The bartender gives him one. The guy from Budweiser says - "Actually, I'd like the best beer in the world - so just give me the The King - I'll have a Budweiser". The bartender complies. The guy from Coors grins and says - "I'll have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water - so pass over a Coors please" He is granted his request. Finally the guy from Guinness says to the bartender - "Hey Mac - I'll have a Coke please". The bartender is a little taken aback but snaps open a coke and hands it over. The other brewery Presidents look over at him and say in unison - "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness"? The Guinness President smiles and replies - "Well, I figured if you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither would I".

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled, and a single agent was trying her best to re-book a long line of inconvenienced passengers. Suddenly an irate man bullied his way to the desk, slapped his ticket on the counter and said - "I have to be on this flight and it has to be in first class". The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I will be happy to help you but these other people are in the line in front of you. Once it's your turn I'm sure that I will be able to assist you". The man was unimpressed. He yelled at her so everyone could hear "Do you have any idea who I am"? Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. She began, "May I have your attention please", her voice was heard clearly throughout the terminal, "I have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help to identify him, please come to Gate 14 immediately". The travelers in line were laughing hysterically at the man. He glared at the agent and yelled "Screw you". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation to her Grade 2 class. She was trying to make the matter very clear to them when she said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know would run into it and I would turn red in the face. The students nodded as if they understood. She continued, "Then why is it that while I'm standing upright in the ordinary position that the blood doesn't all run into my feet." There were some looks of consternation on the young faces of the children until Little Johnny at the back of the room cleared up the matter when he shouted - "It's cause your feet aren't empty".

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom while they worked on their drawing assignment. She was walking around to see each child's work. When she got to Jenny's desk she saw that the litle girl was working diligently on her project, so she asked her what she was drawing. Jenny replied, "I'm drawing God". The teacher paused and then said, "But Jenny, no one knows what God looks like". Without missing a beat, Jenny giggled and said "They will in a minute".

Picture taking day at school had come and gone and now the teacher was standing at the front of her classroom trying to persuade the school children to buy a copy of the group picture. She smiled patiently and said, "Just think how nice it will be years from now when and can look at this picture and remember your childhood friends. You'll be able to look at it and think - there's Jennifer - she's a lawyer, there's Michael - he's a doctor, there's Randy - he's a dentist and oh yes - there's Jessica - she's on T.V now. It will just bring back so many wonderful memories". A small voice at the back of the room piped up and said, "And there's the teacher - she's dead".

Little Karen was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal, it's throat was very small. Karen thought about this and then said, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale". Now a little irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale can not swallow a person. Karen said, "When I'm old and go to heaven I'll ask Jonah what really happened" The teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell"? Karen immediately replied, "Then you ask him".

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent and fall asleep. Hours later Holmes wakes his faithful friend Watson.

“Watson - look up at the sky and tell me what you see”. Watson replies, “I see millions of stars”. “What does that tell you?” says Holmes. Watson replies, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it tells me that it is 3:15 A.M. Theologically, it’s evident that the Lord is all-powerful and you and I are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why - what does it tell you Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment and then deliberately and quietly replies, “Watson - you idiot - someone has stolen our tent!”

A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers that he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower level and locates a man walking in a park with his dog. He shouts down, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am"? The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon about 30 feet above the park". The balloonist says, "You must work in information technology". The man in the park replied, "Yes I do. How did you know that"? "Well", says the balloonist. "What you told me is technically correct, but the information you have given me is of no use to me". The man with the dog replies, "Ah, you must work in management". "I do", says the balloonist, "How did you know"? "That's easy" replies the dog walker, "You don't know where you are or where you're going, and you expect and need my immediate help. You're also in the same position as you were before we met ... but now it's my fault".

Things We Think And/Or Wish We Could Say...

Hey you - get off my planet.
Errors have been made and others will pay.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you’re not asleep.
Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is finished.
Is it possible to set my laser printer to “stun?”
I’m not tense - I’m just terribly, terribly alert.
I just want revenge - is that so wrong?
You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing!
You’re not the brightest crayon in the box - are you?

A few "Zen" thoughts for those of us who take life a little "too" seriously:

A day without sunshine - is like night.
On the other hand - you have different fingers.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked - in a parallel universe.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares - try missing a couple of payments.
If you believe in telekinesis - raise my hand.
How can you tell - if you're out of invisible ink?
Everyone has a photographic memory - some people just don't have any film.
If Barbie is so popular - why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
& Finally ...
What happens if you get scared "half-to-death" twice?

Have You Ever Wondered....

He: (Puffing Up His Chest) - “I absolutely never mince my words.
She: “You really should - it will make them so much easier for you to eat later on.”

What is an insomniac, dyslexic agnostic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Therapy has helped me tremendously: Five years ago when the phone rang I was afraid to answer it...today I answer it whether it rings or not.

He: Why won’t you go out on a date with me?
She: For 3 reasons - You’re obnoxious - you’re arrogant and you haven’t asked me yet.”

Betty: “Doctor, you have to help my son. He spends all his time making mud pies.”
Doctor: “Well that’s perfectly normal at a certain age.”
Betty: “Well I don’t think it’s normal & neither does his wife.”

Brother John entered the "Monastery Of Silence" and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you want to stay, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him - "Brother John, you have been here for five years, you may now speak two words.

Brother John said, "Hard bed".

"I'm sorry to hear that", said the Chief Priest, "We will get you a better bed".

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John". "Cold food" , replied Brother John. The Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th. anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John to his office and offered him the chance to speak another two words. "I quit", said Brother John.

"It is probably best" replied the Chief Priest - "You've done nothing but complain since you got here".

Have You Ever Wondered....

Why people order a double burger, fries & a diet coke?

How there can be self-help groups?

If there are any gruntled employees?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Judge: Have you ever appeared in my court in any other suit.

Defendant: Why yes your Honour - just the other day in the navy pinstripe.

Lawyer: Look, don’t be so pessimistic. This is a complicated case - but we may win.

Defendant: Are you nuts - it’s in the hands of 12 people who couldn’t get out of jury duty.

Judge: What gear were you in when you crashed your car into the STOP sign?

Woman: Well, I was in my blue suit, red pumps and a matching handbag, your Honour.

Tony was fresh out of ideas about what to give his mother-in-law (who had everything) for Christmas, so he told his wife Lucy that he would ponder this dilemma very seriously and come up with something really unusual. He thought long and hard about this quandary and on Christmas morning he proudly gave her an elegant envelope to open. Inside was a gift certificate for a large, beautifully located plot in the most expensive cemetery in town. She looked at him with exasperation and dismissed his gift without a word. The next Christmas he bought her nothing! She was quick to comment on his selfishness and thoughtlessness and in reply - Tony said only thing - "Well Joyce, I noticed that you haven't used the gift I gave you last year". (Now that's a zinger).

Have You Ever Wondered....

A local charitable office realized it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. A volunteer called him to try & persuade him to contribute. “Sir, you make over $600,000 a year and you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to make a donation to your community?” The lawyer mulled this over and responded - “Did your research into my life tell you that my mother is dying and has medical bills that are several times her income or that my brother is a disabled war veteran who is blind and confined to a wheelchair & that my sister’s husband died three years ago in a traffic accident leaving her penniless ...did it?” The stricken volunteer stammered...”I had no idea sir.” On a roll the lawyer thundered...“And I don’t give any money to them, so why should I help you?”

Sign in a Photographer’s Studio - First we shoot you...then we blow you up & when we’re finished... you can go home and hang yourself.

“Remember my son - faith can move mountains”, said the minister. “That may be true sir”, said the 10 year old boy, “But dynamite works faster”

Once upon a time a little boy was born...but he never spoke. His parents hired famous doctors from around the world to examine him...but no one could find a reason for his silence. One day when he was 8 years old he put down a glass of milk he had been drinking and said - “Daddy, this milk is sour”. His astonished parents said - “You can speak. Why haven’t you ever talked before?” “Well” said little Johnnie - “Up until now, everything’s been okay”.

Joe & Helen had been married for 35 years and both were celebrating their 60th. birthday. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for so long that she wanted to grant them each one wish. Helen looked at Joe and said..."I love my husband very much and I'd like to travel around the world with him first class". The fairy waved her magic wand and Helen had the tickets in her hand. She giggled and danced off to show her prize to her children and guests. Next it was Joe's turn. He was feeling a little frisky and whispered to the fairy - "I love my wife too, but I'd really like to have a woman 30 years younger than me". The fairy smiled, picked up her magic wand, touched Joe on the head and boom - he was 90!

Two buddies were studying chemistry at the University of Toronto. They were so confident going into exam week that they decided to party with friends at the University of Waterloo the day before the final. They had a great time but unfortunately they overslept the morning of the exam. Arriving back in Toronto they told their professor an elaborate tale of being stranded on the 401 with a flat tire. Their professor thought this over and then told them they could both take the exam the next morning at 9:00 A.M. The following day they arrived at school and the professor put them in separate rooms with their test papers. Question one/page one - worth a mere 5 points - asked them for an elaborate but well known chemical formula. Question two/page two - worth 95 points - simply said: “Which Tire”?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the table next to him. Unfortunately he lacks the courage to speak with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye flies out of its socket and through the air towards him. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I'm so sorry", the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "Why don't we have dinner together?". They enjoy an amazing evening together, then go off to the theatre and out afterwards for a night-cap. They laugh and joke and share their secrets and dreams. She pays for everything. As he is helping her into a cab at the end the evening he asks, "Are you always this nice to every guy you meet?" "Oh heavens no", she replies, "It's just that you caught my eye".

Have You Ever Wondered....

More Newspaper Classified Ads...What Were They Thinking?
For Sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Stock up and save - Limit - one.
Honest man needs work - will take anything.
Auto Repair Service - Try us once & you’ll never go anywhere again.
Wanted: Strong, single men to pick fresh fruit and produce.

Sage Real Estate Ltd., Brokerage
(Bus): (416) 483-8000
(Fax): (416) 463-0159
1820 Bayview Avenue
Toronto, ON M4G 4G7

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