~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Tommie: I’m too tired to do my homework.
Dad: A little hard work never hurt anyone.
Tommie: That may be true but why should I risk being the first to find out?

Teacher: Please name the little streams that run into the river Nile.
Sarah: That’s easy – they’re the Juveniles.

Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
Billie: At my house: Canned – Frozen – Instant and Lite.

Teacher: Do you always do your homework before you play?
Ernie: Yes I do.
Teacher: Let me hear you count to 10.
Ernie: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.
Teacher: That’s very good Can you go any further?
Ernie: You bet I can – Jack – Queen – King.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Sally: Susie did you know you’re wearing a brown shoe & a black shoe. Susie: What a coincidence – I have another pair at home just the same.

Stan to his golf caddy: Have you noticed any improvement since last year? Caddy: Yes – you bought a new golf cart.

George: Have you decided on costumes for the Halloween party?
Betty: Yes – since my husband is overweight and I’m crazy – I think we’ll go as a horse and buggy.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

OPP Officer: “You were driving your car and playing the saxophone at the same time”.
Sammy: “That’s right sir. It’s the only time I had to warm up before the concert tonight”.
OPP Officer: “Do you know what a dangerous thing you were doing”?
Sammy: “I don’t - but if you could hum a few bars - I bet I could pick it up”.

Johnny: “You think Toronto is a dangerous place - why right here in Ajax a guy pulled a razor on me”.
Fred: That’s awful - were you hurt”.
Johnny: No - fortunately he couldn’t find a place to plug it in”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around the local grocery store when they collide with each other. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that, but I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going”. The young guy says, “That's okay - it may be a coincidence but I’m looking for my wife, too. I can't seem to find her anywhere and I'm starting to feel a bit worried”. The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like”? The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, 5’ 10” tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes and long legs. She's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like”? The old guy says, “Oh, it doesn't really matter... let's look for your wife”.
 

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that he’d fixed up really nicely, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man chuckled and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swimming naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Stella walked up behind her husband Jack and smacked him sharply on the head with a wooden ruler. Jack winced and said, “Stella why on earth did you do that”? Stella replied. “I told you when I married you that I wouldn’t tolerate you cheating on me. I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with the name Betty Sue written on it and I want an explanation”.

Jack laughed and said “For heaven’s sake Stella that was the name of a horse that I bet on in the 6th race at Woodbine yesterday. You know I’d never cheat on you”. A week later Stella smacked Jack on the head again with the ruler but this time she hit him even harder and said. “If you lie to me again Jack I’m leaving you”. “What did I do now”? protested Jack. “Stella replied, “I’m not sure what you’ve done but your horse just called”.

~ Another Really Bad Joke ~

Johnny: “Hey - you told me that you had purebred police dogs for sale. This animal is the mangiest, dirtiest, scrawniest mutt I’ve ever laid eyes on. How can you get away with calling him a police dog”?
Ted: “Hush - he’s working undercover”.

Fred: “Have you seen a police man nearby”?
Sam: “Why no I haven’t”
Fred: “Great - then stick ‘em up & give me all your cash”.

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

~ Another Really Bad Joke ~

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Good grief woman - grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. You're a Senator from New York and a candidate for President of the United States

Dating and Marriage

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Getting Older

~ Really, Really Bad Jokes ~

Brad: So Tommy boy - I’ll tell you something about happiness my bachelor friend and what it means. Do you have any idea what it means to come home to an adoring wife who hangs off every word I say and thinks I’m the smartest guy in the world, two well-mannered and loving children who are thrilled at the sight of me, a well trained dog, an organized home with a fully-stocked fridge and my golf clubs ready at the garage door for tomorrow’s game.

Tommy: I sure do – I’ve met your family and it means you’re in the wrong house!

Swim Anyone?

Charlie lay sprawled out on a chaise, a glass of cold lemonade in his hand, looking over the 3 beautiful swimming pools on his vast estate. Paul, his best friend from childhood, sat on a chair next to him. Paul said, “You’ve done really well for yourself since moving to southern California from Hamilton”. Charlie smiled and nodded. Paul went on, “I know the money is free flowing, but I still don’t understand why you have three swimming pools”.

Charlie laughed and said, “Well, see that one with the steam rising off the surface of the water – that’s for my Canadian friends who come here and are always complaining about the cold. The pool with the overhead fans and the chilled glasses at the ready is for my friends from Mexico who are always griping that they are too hot”.

Paul replied, “Okay - that makes sense – but what about this exquisite middle pool with the beautiful hanging flowers baskets and the white and green striped cushions on the deck chairs – the pool with no water in it - what on earth is it for”? Charlie reached over and slapped Paul on the shoulder and said – “That pool, my friend, is for people like you who can’t swim”.

Could He Really Be So Stupid?

Sarah stood on the bank of a river looking down on a fisherman by the shore as he worked his line. The fisherman caught a giant trout but immediately unhooked it and released it back into the water. Next he hooked a substantial pike. Once again he threw the fish back into the river. Finally he caught a small bass. He laughed and jumped all around and then put the little fish into his water bucket.

Sarah was intrigued by his behaviour, so she called down to him and said, “Why did you throw back a giant trout and a big pike and then keep a puny bass. The fisherman yelled back, “Because I’ve just got a small frying pan”.

Trevor The Talking Dog

Ben saw a sign in front of a house in England. "Talking Dog for Sale." He rang the bell and the owner told him that the talking dog was in the backyard. Ben went around into the backyard and saw a big, black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.
Trevor replied, "I sure do". Ben said -

"So, what's your story?" Trevor looked up and said, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was just a puppy and I really wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 - the UK's intelligence agency (this is where James Bond works) about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders - because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But finally the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly watching suspicious characters, sniffing for bombs and listening in on casual conversations. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Then I met my true love and had a bunch of puppies. Now I'm retired".

Ben was amazed at Trevor's tale. He went back to the owner and asked him how much he wanted for the dog.

The owner said, "You can have him for ten quid."

Ben said, "But Trevor is absolutely amazing - why on earth would you sell him so cheaply?"

The owner said, "Cause he's a big liar. Trevor's never done any of that stuff he boasts about".

Are You Prone To Having Senior Moments?

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically OK, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from the chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen."

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"

Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it - a year is gone.
And I never see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race.

He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
But we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say, "I will call dear Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And the distance between us grows and grows.
He's around the corner, yet miles away.
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it's the right time - it may just be too late.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends & family -
for they have helped to make you the person you are today.

Janet: “Hello is this Acme Plumbing? Please come over as quickly as you can. I have a huge leak in my basement and there’s 4 feet of water down there”.

Acme: “I’m sorry lady – but I can’t get there for 2 days. As you can imagine – there are a lot of problems around town after the big rain storm”.

Janet: “Two days – are you crazy. What am I supposed to do in the meantime – I’ve got kids”.

Acme: “Why don’t you teach them to swim”

Johnny came home happily munching on a big chocolate ice cream cone. His mother said, “Where did you get that”. Johnny replied, “I bought it with the dollar you gave me”. His mother sputtered, “But that was for the collection plate in Sunday school”. “Oh I know” said Johnny, “But you see, the minister met me at the front door on my way into the church and he got me in for free”.

A man hobbled slowly in to a doctor’s waiting room – bent over almost double and grasping a cane in a bandaged hand.

Another patient looked on sympathetically and asked, “Do you have arthritis with complications?”

“No” replied the man, “I’m suffering from do-it-yourself with cinderblocks”.

"Quite Simply - Blonde"

Dear Diary:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane, energy-efficient kind. Then just this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them and he was complaining that the work had been completed more than a year ago and I still hadn't paid him for the windows.

"Hellooooo", I said, "Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically dumb. So I told him what his fast-talking salesman told me last year when I ordered the windows". He said, "In one year these windows will pay for themselves".

"Well - hellooooo", I told him, "It's been a year". There was only silence at the other end of the phone so I finally hung up.

He didn't call back. So I guess I won that stupid argument.

"IQ Test"

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how smart you really are.

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he sucessfully expresses himself to the drug store clerk and buys a toothbrush.

Now ...

If there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses - how should he express himself?

Really think about this before you scroll down for the answer ...

>
>
>
>
>
>

He opens his mouth and politely says - "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses".

Now be honest - Did you get it right?
If you didn't - Do not pass "go".

"Men & Women - It Never Ends ..."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M.for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

(Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests).

"Still On The Topic Of Aging"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Remember The Old "Double-Dog Dare You"
These Are Some For The Office

One Point Dares

• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

• Walk sideways to the photocopier.

• While in the office elevator gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

• When in the elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

• Don't use any punctuation in your memos.

• Use highlighter on your computer screen.

Three Point Dares

• Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

• Shout out random numbers while someone is counting.

• Every time you get an email, shout ''email!".

• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Five Point Dares

• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on & off 10 times.

• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

• During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

• Stop walking - skip everywhere you go.

• Ask people what sex they are. Then say - "Are you sure?

Subject - Happiness

A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shave perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he moved his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room - just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it - "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1.  Free your heart from hatred.

2.  Free your mind from worries.

3.  Live simply.

4.  Give more.

5.  Expect less.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once
said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and
replaced with exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do.

Here are some more of his gems:

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.

The foreman laughed out loud when a tiny old man in a red plaid shirt applied for a job as a lumberjack. "So what's your experience"? asked the foreman? The lumberjack replied, "Well - I've cut down one million trees. Have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest". "You mean the Sahara Desert" corrected the foreman. The lumberjack replied, "Sure - that's what they call it now".

Doreen was walking along the Boardwalk in The Beaches with her beloved beagle Henry. As luck would have it she found a lamp partly buried in the sand. Being of sound mind and body she rubbed the side of the lamp hoping for the appearance of the proverbial Genie. Sure enough said Genie appeared out of the spout of the lamp in a puff of smoke. He said to Doreen - "You can have three wishes and I'll grant them all". Because she was a lovely person Doreen's first thought wasn't for herself. She looked at the Genie and said "I wish that all the kids in the school where I teach would get along and work hard to have good grades." The Genie snapped his fingers and announced "Done". Doreen smiled and thanked the Genie. Her second wish was for a successful fund raising event for her upcoming church bazaar. The Genie said, "Your bazaar will raise ten times its usual amount. " The Genie looked fondly at Doreen and said, "Isn't there anything you want for yourself"? Doreen giggled and replied, "I'm just getting to that". She looked down at her dog Henry and said, "I want you to turn Henry into a rich, tall, dark and handsome Prince who will adore me, be the most romantic man who has ever lived and have eyes only for me". The Genie said "I can do that but just remember that this is your very last wish". Doreen promised that there was nothing more that she wanted in life". The Genie snapped his fingers and then promptly disappeared. Doreen looked up at the most handsome, beautifully dressed man she had ever seen. She swooned and fell into his arms - certain that romance was only moments away. Henry kissed her lightly on the forehead and said, "I bet you're sorry now that you had me fixed".

From Actual Church Bulletins

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Trying To Find Jesus."
3. Ladies - Remember the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of useless things so don't forget your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
6. Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it - we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Barbara is in hospital in need of prayers. She is having trouble sleeping and wants tapes of the Pastor's sermons.
10. Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
12. At the evening service the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early & listen to our choir practice.
13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
14. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
15. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday.
16. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at ten o'clock. Lunch to follow after the B.S. is done.
18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 sharp. Please use the back door.
19. The 8th. Grade will be doing Hamlet in the Church this Friday. The congregation is invited to this tragedy.
20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
21. The Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I Upped My Pledge - now - Up Yours."

Jimmy walked into his ornithology class and found five birds standing on a table. Each had a bag covering its body so only its feet were visible. "What's this"? he asked Professor Johnson. It's an exam", replied the teacher, "Your job is to identify each bird just by looking at its feet, and I might add that even an idiot could pass this little test with flying colours". Jimmy frowned and said, "This is a stupid test". What's your name" replied the angered professor - his nose clearly out of joint. Jimmy grinned, took off his socks and shoes, pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me".

A well dressed man entered a bar, leaned against the counter, ordered two very expensive drinks and downed them in a minute. He then ordered two even more expensive drinks and drank them just as quickly. He then smiled at the bartender and said "Set 'em up again, Buddy". The bartender complied. The drinks disappered in short order. Finally satisfied, the man sat down on a bar stool and lit a cigar. The bartender looked at his customer and said, "Wow - I've never seen a person down 6 drinks that quickly - is everything alright". The man said - "Well if you had what I have you'd be drinking quickly too". Leaning closer the sympathetic bartender said, "I'm so sorry - what do you have". The man replied - "I just left divorce court and I've got fifty cents".

Johnny walked into a bar and told the bartender he had something amazing to show him and he'd share it for a beer. The bartender was in a jovial mood and he poured Johnny a glass of his best and pushed it across the bar. From his coat pocket Johnny took out a tiny piano and a chair. From another pocket he produced a little white mouse and sat it in the chair. From a third pocket he took out a beautiful butterfly and sat it on the piano. The mouse tuned up the piano and the butterfly sang a classical Cole Porter tune. When the song was over, Johnny put his little act back in his pockets, finished his beer and turned to leave. As he was walking away he put five dollars on the bar and said to the bartender - "I feel as if I have to pay for my beer because I deceived you - the butterfly can't sing a note - the mouse is really a ventriloquist"

Okay I know this is naughty but I just couldn't resist. Be honest - someone you know may just come to mind.

Thought For The Day:

Some people are like Slinkies

Not really good for anything

But they still bring a smile to your face

When you push them down a flight of stairs!