Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – April 23, 2004
Magazine Madness
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – April 23, 2004 – May’s issue of Chatelaine is sizzling off the press and in my hot little hands. I’m not a big consumer of magazines, but I subscribed to this particular one this year, not for the reason that men subscribe to Playboy, which is for the articles; but just to have some light bedside page turning before sleepy time. The cover was encouraging:
Win A Spa Getaway.
Best Buys $3.00 to $100.00
22 Joy Boosters.
No Guilt Brownies – Oven Fried Chicken – Low Cal Pizza.
23 Page Garden Guide . . . Some Of My Favourite Things . . .
This may just be ticket. I’m open to re-thinking my previously held position that magazines are a waste of my hard-earned money and an item best utilized in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. I sat down with my cup of tea, an hour to kill – ready to be converted, energized, impressed and amazed. A gal’s magazine with heart, a message for women, a no guilt chocolate dessert and a chance to win a free spa getaway! Wow.
I turned the first page . . .
A Lancome (Paris) ad: “Anti-wrinkle power for the area at risk for dermo-creases”. I got out my compact, anxious to see if I could identify a “dermo-crease”. Drat – I can’t tell a crease from a wrinkle.
Next . . . An ad from John Frieda: “Expose your glamorous side. Your stunning, luminous, brunette goddess side”. No mention of what blondes and red heads are supposed to do and forget gray-haired people.
On to . . . L’Oreal Paris: ” Re-shaped. Re-contoured. For visibly fuller lips. Works like no single lipcolour can … because you’re worth it”. There sits Andy Macdowell, she of the perfect lips, mine – the imperfect.
Followed by . . . none other than Claudia Schiffer for L’Oreal Paris telling us that “Surgery can wait! The first treatment with Boswelox that decreases expression lines and rejuvenates features. Wrinkle De-Crease innovation – also Because You’re Worth It”. Claudia doesn’t have a wrinkle on her face, either because the picture has been air-brushed or she was twelve years old when it was taken. Not a single dermo-crease.
Just in case . . . my recently re-contoured lips have lost their lively sheen – Maybelline arrives to rescue me with “Flash that lasts. Smooth long wear with cool metal-flare. New forever metallics – lips that look metaluminous all day”. Metal lips – what is the world coming to?
Then over the page – Givenchy presents Liv Tyler “Very Irresistible Givenchy – the new feminine fragrance – very elegante – very fun – very you”.
Finally an entry form for the contest to win a deluxe spa vacation for two. I would rather win and go twice myself but that doesn’t seem to be an option. The skill testing question if I win will probably be something like – “How many inches of rain fell in Lima, Peru in 1958?
I’m almost happy to get back to the – “Easy breezy beautiful Covergirl ad for makeup you’ll love at first try? Oh my! TruBlend easily matches 97% of all skin tones”. Oh great – what if my skin tone is in the remaining 3%? There are no directions telling me what to do then!
However – “New Eucerin introducing a skin care line that understands your sensitive skin. Completely. Recommended by dermatologists throughout Europe”. Canadian dermatologists are obviously missing the Eucerin message – shame on them.
Thank heaves it’s on to – “Quality time . . . in the bag. Summerize your wardrobe with this season’s must-have accessories – inexpensive, easy care silicone bags in candy colours. TIP – We love these purses with jeans and a T-shirt but they’re most fun with a pinstripe suit or a pencil skirt and sweater”. The last time I could slip into a pencil skirt – Ed Sullivan was still on television.
I’m only on page twenty-three. Thankfully a car ad is next and then the ‘ask an expert section’. None of the questions apply to me this month because I have no idea what the meaning of life is, I don’t have plantar warts, athlete’s foot or corns, I have no in-laws and my dog and cat are not on trendy diets.
I’m almost glad to get back to – “New Scotties Lotion Tissue – another way to pamper your nose. Be soft. Be strong.” I venture on – “Turn it up, Give your hair full body. Vibrant shine. A flirtatious scent. It’s everything you need to go from gorgeous to simply outrageous – daily beautifying shampoo from Revlon”.
Next comes – “Skin deep. Self-esteem from a surgeon’s scalpel”. An article by Kim Pittaway. Just in case my self esteem is in the can, I can buy Clairol to get real nice’n easy hair colour at its believable , beautiful best, fortify my hair with Nutricap, or smooth my dry, rebellious hair with Vive Nutrileum. I can relieve make my red, dry or allergy eyes with a squirt of Visine, lose those unwanted menopausal pounds with Slim-Fast, take a test to see if I have any of the warning signs of Alzheimer’s, join the Chatelaine Walking Club, learn how to be young at heart, keep my perspiration under control with Degree, have luscious full lips by Modele (in the event that Maybelline and L’Oreal have failed in that category), get the dirt out of my clothes with Sunlight, look polished with 60 Insider Tips, find fabulous gifts for under $40.00, get “beautiful shoes at ugly shoe prices from The Shoe Company”, “counter the multiple signs of aging” with Nivea, “Spike, piece or chunk my hair, or dare to streak it” with Clairol Herbal Essences, remove all that unwanted body hair that God gave me (what was he thinking) with Aussie Nad’s, get “A perfect sunless tan instantly” from Neutrogena, have “hair colour as natural as nature intended” if I only buy Garnier Belle Color.
Gasp – finally an article on “Five ways to fight with your partner” by Marguerite Pigeon. If I had a name like pigeon – I’d simply fly away and not worry about my partner. Instead -I glance over at the opposite page and am relieved to discover that Vichy Laboratories can “Deconstruct the skin to smooth wrinkles with dermo-decontracting Adenoxine to smooth wrinkles”. My stress, related to my skin, is further lessened by Vichy’s next ad that tells me – “Skin loses density, furrows and sags. Novadiol, the first skincare with Phyto-Flavone that restores skin’s density”. Thankfully a couple of pages tell me how to reclaim my joy, worry less and boost my energy, because right after that Pantene Pro-V tells me that it can “Get back to hair you love – new – full and thick in 10 days guaranteed”.
One a Day Weight Smart will soon have me buying a closet full of pencil skirts, Naturalizer will find me a pair of great summer shoes, Infusium will cure my wrecked hair and make it “softer, smoother and more manageable”. Gosh, I’m exhausted. But I can buy a bike from Canadian Tire because “Family adventures start here”, “Smooth marks and scars with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula” (I can actually vouch for this product because I use it and like it). L’oreal will give me a “Sublime Bronze tan that will never be orange or streaky”.
My hour is up now, my tea is gone and I still have to read about gardens with “Room to Bloom” – try a few new recipes, wash my clothes with Tide, try a couple more shampoos and finally “Smooth away the bumps on the backs of arms and legs with Neutrogena skin smoothing body lotion recommended by dermatologists”. No mention whether they are European or not. This is why I don’t subscribe to magazines. Why did I ever doubt myself? I’m going to call up a few male friends, borrow some back issues of Playboy and read a few good articles!