Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – August 26, 2004
My Pee Pants
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – August 26, 2004 – We’ve all seen the ads on television for “Depends”. They show a middle-aged woman twirling around the dance floor with her smiling, age-appropriate partner. They have silly “happy grins” on their faces as they waltz about – circling the room with not a worry in the world.
We – the viewing audience – know they’re both wearing adult diapers (Depends) in case of an unfortunate, ill-timed loss of bladder control. What could be worse than a little bump and grind combined with the uncontrollable urge to tinkle on the spot? When I was young and foolish I had no idea what older women were nattering on about when they chatted in hushed, embarrassed tones about the importance of Kegel exercises.
I had bladder control that would do a camel proud and could sleep for twelve hours straight without thoughts of a visit to the loo. How times change. Have I mentioned that I’m a menopausal woman? Oh yes, I do believe that topic has been touched upon.- in prior rants!
With that thought in mind allow me to recount a story from my not-too-distant past. My friend Big and I were at Fairview Plaza one day about five years ago – back when I was a mere kid of fifty. We’d been shopping and generally goofing around for about three hours when we both realized we were hungry. On occasions such as these, a shopping mall doesn’t offer many options for a hearty snack. There was the proverbial food court, some take-out Chinese and a Harvey’s Hamburger Restaurant.
We looked at each other. Sometimes you just crave junk food and nothing satisfies better than a mouth-watering Harvey’s burger, fries and a drink. We wandered in, sat our bags down and ordered the “Combo”. At the time this consisted of a hamburger, large fries and a soft drink. If you’re just about to blow your caloric intake for the day, then you might just as well round the order off with a large Coke. This just happens to be in a jumbo glass that must hold a litre of liquid. We both did an obligatory bathroom run before our food arrived and then settled in to relish every morsel of our dinners.
We talked for awhile after we finished eating and then decided it was time to call it a day. Shopping, eating, laughing – these activities can tire out a couple of middle-aged babes faster than you might think. I had a notion that I should visit the little girl’s room before I left to drive home but chose to ignore it. Big and I roamed through the mall and down the stairs to the lower level of The Bay, stopping en route to peer at interesting goodies. Half an hour later we arrived at the far end of the store and went out the exit to the parking lot.
I could feel just a “wee” bit of pressure building up in my bladder. We were walking along when Big said something funny. I have no recollection of what it was, but I burst out laughing. I could feel a little tinkle start, so I immediately doubled over and clamped my legs together, in hopes of stemming the urge to pee. All of a sudden Kegel exercises made a lot of sense to me – but too late. One little, ill-timed Kegel in the face of a litre of Coke has no chance of success.
Big, who was watching me try to walk with my knees glued together, said “Are you okay?”, to which I replied, “I’m trying not to pee my pants. She laughed so hard that I couldn’t help but join in and as soon as I laughed – I was finished. I peed my pants in the parking lot of Fairview Plaza. Not just a little dribble, but a long, healthy flow of warm pee coursed down the inside of my pants, and out onto the road in a puddle.
I was laughing so hard I could hardly stand. We finally made it over to my car – step by effusive step. I opened the trunk and took out a car blanket, draped it over the driver’s seat and sat down. I told Big that I had to be excused, but not before securing a promise from her never to tell anyone about this unfortunate little bathroom incident. She promised (my very bad friend did not keep her word) – I drove home – showered and washed out my slacks.
I’d been wearing a favourite pair of rayon-linen blend pants at the time of said pee fest, and I decided that rather than leaving them to dry, that I’d better wash them out in cold water before I took them to the cleaners. I put them through the machine and then hung them up on the shower rod to dry. By morning they were the size of a pair of men’s boxer shorts. So not only did I lose my dignity that night – but my pee pants were reduced to a mere shadow of their former selves!
I no longer take myself quite as seriously as I did then. I can laugh about this incident now – it was very funny. I haven’t graduated to Depends yet but every now and again as I stroll up and down the aisles of the drug store I wonder if a box of them may be in my future. Maybe those Kegel exercises aren’t such a bad idea after all. Squeeze – count to ten – release – repeat – repeat again. I’m sure I could get into the rhythm – sure beats ballroom dancing wearing a diaper!