Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – February 1, 2004
One Of Those Days & Chocolate Fudge Cookies
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – February 1, 2004 – Today I’ve forgotten everything I have to be grateful for. A stake of my own making has been driven through my heart, and worse still, I’ve wielded the sledgehammer myself.
I’m tired, disgruntled and numb emotionally. I haven’t had a shower, exercised or returned calls from friends. I’m feeling defeated, sorry for myself, old, unattractive, dull and lonely. I think I’m a fraud. I spent time on the phone today (grudgingly) with a client. I was annoyed that he wanted answers to questions.
I’m trying to have a day off – everything is bugging me. I wasted time this afternoon watching re-runs of a couple of movies I’ve already seen more than once. Clicking back and forth between the second Die Hard movie and The Bodyguard. I had a tea with milk (no honey) and six chocolate fudge cookies. That hardly seemed like enough so I had six more. Now I feel icky-sicky!
I went to Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up a few things and just mashed my old black hat over my unwashed hair. I did put on a bra under my sweatshirt, a concession to decorum, but only in case I was in an accident and had to be rushed to the hospital. What if they had to rip open my sweatshirt and use cardiac paddles to jump start my heart – and there are the “girls” – just flopping around unattended!
Now I’m back home and have chosen to listen to Dolly Parton singing about burning bridges, stepping over love’s cheating line and being set free from her rich but unloving husband.
Dolly doesn’t sound any happier today than I do, but at least she has satin sheets to lie on! Wow – what a downer. I hardly want to be around myself.
In light of my commitment to make changes in my life this may just be a perfect chance to think about what is happening to me today. I need to be honest here and really examine what I’m feeling.
So Here Goes:
I’m tired – I’ve had a long, difficult week at work.
I have no plans for the week-end. Nothing to look forward to, so when I get home from work I sit here alone. My choice! I’m a dummie.
I over-booked yesterday – 3 sets of clients, not wanting to disappoint any of them.
I have to go back to work tomorrow and do more of the same, without feeling as if I’ve done anything for myself.
I’m not caring for my body, mind or spirit.
I think I shouldn’t be feeling this way when I have so much to be thankful for. A great dollop of greasy, gooey woman guilt is stuck to my face.
I feel weak, as if I failing to measure up to some pre-determined standard.
I’m feeling sorry for myself. Boo-hoo and blah – blah – blah.
In fairness, these are valid feelings, so I shouldn’t discount them. What I need to do is find a way to soften this deluge of negative emotion and be kinder to myself. I’m my own worst enemy. I would gladly comfort a friend who called to say he or she was feeling low.
Writing here in my journal/book is good. It would have been so easy to ignore this creative outlet today by saying I’m too tired, and this is silly anyway – who will ever read my stupid writing? So now …
I’ve lit a beautiful candle.
I know in my heart that it’s alright to feel depleted. It is a reality of being human. Sometimes people are over-whelmed.
I’ve replaced Dolly’s ‘hurtin’ music’ with a CD of instrumental music that I’m fond of listening to.
I’m going to have a work-out on my pilates machine and walk a mile with Howard.
I’m going to shampoo my hair and have a long, hot shower.
It’s six-thirty now and when I’ve finished these things, I’ll be back to let you know how I’m doing. I’m taking my candle with me . . .
Okay – I’m back. I did a forty minute work-out on my pilates machine and walked for 1.25 miles on my treadmill. I immediately thought, “Now I need to have a shower”. Then it dawned on me’ “No I don’t”. Instead I slowed down, told Blabber to can it, and I’m making myself some rice for dinner.
My hair will be there in the morning, God willing , and so will the shower. I may have a bath before I slip into bed. I can see so clearly what I do to myself. Even when I’m having a down day – I still set myself up with unnecessary demands. Light bulb moment.
I’m not likely to dance a jig or a Highland Reel this evening but I’m feeling better than I was a couple of hours ago. It was up to me to understand what was going on and make a change in my behaviour. So kudos for me. I will make headway tomorrow with things that need to be done. I am grateful for this insight.
The rest of the evening is just for me!
