Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – January 29, 2004
User Manuals
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – January 29, 2004 – User manuals are a jolly good read for some people. I have friends who devour them like a new John Grisham novel. They remind me of my tortured days in high school chemistry class, or worse still, geometry sessions with my stern math teacher – Freddie Ahrens.
In the pursuit of scientific and mathematical knowledge, I became convinced that my brain was made of dirt instead of the more customary gray matter that my class mates enjoyed. Some people believe that “to suffer” is noble. Not I – hence my decision to avoid studying user manuals. Watch out – because they sometimes call them ‘installation guides’. The name change is designed to fool you, and lull you into a false sense of security about your intellectual capabilities.
Of course, I’m still forced to read enough of the instructions to get my new appliance or electronic equipment functioning. But that’s where I draw the line. There are certain consequences that I’ve been forced to accept because of my non-reading stance, and some setbacks that have been frustrating and inconvenient. However on the whole I manage to muddle along. However – I must admit that I am missing the fine nuances and complex capabilities of my electronic devices.
Just last week I experienced the disgrace of being unable to re-connect my DVD player or re-set its clock. I had the manual in front of me and I was actually reading the instructions – line by line.
No luck – nothing. These are the instructions I followed:
Set clock – Page 13. Sounds easy.
Press ‘clock’ button. Already there are problems – there is no button that says “clock”.
Through trial and error I find “clock” under the menu button on a different page.
Next – press – “set up”. Okay that worked.
Press “‘time”. Time isn’t really here – it’s also under the menu button.
Set the time using the down arrow. Repeat to set hours, minutes and date.
Oops – the down arrow just too me back out to the set up screen.
I was determined, so I repeated this procedure six times. My blood pressure was now dangerously close to the point of explosion. I wanted to throw the DVD player out the window. No, that’s not correct, I wanted to throw it through the window. I knew the satisfaction of this particular action would be short-lived. I resisted. Instead I sat in my den, head down. Defeated by a remote control and a user manual.
My car has a dozen buttons that are a mystery to me, my computer system can frazzle me in less than sixty seconds. Yesterday the oven door on my new stove locked itself and refused to open for three hours. The message centre on my cell phone takes messages some days but not on others, my watch will only allow me to reset the time in half hour increments and last week the date book in my Palm Pilot erased itself for some unknown reason.
If I only had an occasional harrowing experience with user manuals, I could accept it with good grace and humour; but this happens to me whenever I attempt to follow the “set up or installation instructions” on “anything” with a plug. I feel like an idiot. I am an imbecile. I have clever friends and relatives who should be working for NASA. They can program anything.
I am good natured about their superior intellect and just a bit envious that they can befriend a ‘user manual’ in a New York minute. Hence my decision – short sighted though it may be – to not read these booklets of frustration anymore – ever!
How I long for a device – any device – with a switch that simply says “on” – “off” – I would take it out to dinner with me and then for a night on the town.
