Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 29, 2004
A Wee Melt Down
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 29, 2004 – This has not been a good day in the life of this particular human. It’s one of those days when I wish God had declared, “Make this one an amoeba”. For some reason, known only to Him and perhaps St. Peter, he decided to make me a woman in a man’s world. Perhaps he knew how I’d turn out and thought, “She can handle it”.
It’s on a day like this that I know God is not female. This is a test and I have definitely not passed it. I feel overwhelmed with the sheer necessity of having to breath. I have a bit of a tug in my left arm and immediately think “heart attack on the way”. If my heart doesn’t fail then the brain tumour will get me. My anxiety level is off the Richter scale and showing no signs of abating and I can feel signs of panic revving up in the background. What is going on? I just can’t cope today. Everything is bothering me.
I was cut off in traffic today by a rude driver and I wanted to follow him, yank him of his car and break his legs. Is this normal? Later in the day a sales clerk at Business Depot suggested that I might like “to read the directions before I jumped to conclusions”. He could not have been older than 12 – why does he even have a job – shouldn’t he be at home eating cookies with a glass of milk. I imagined him sleep deprivation, enduring pain and suffering – I saw myself with electrical prods – I pictured him hanging by his wrists in a dungeon.
These reactions were not in context with the aggravation I had experienced, and fortunately I recognized this and didn’t use my car as a battering ram or slam the impudent sales clerk into the wall. What is of concern to me is – that between hot flashes – that I had these thoughts at all. Without consequences, both these men might be in hospital on this dull, drizzly Friday night, with concerned family members sitting around their bedsides.
I was supposed to go to the ROM tonight with a friend but got my times mixed up and now it “is” tomorrow that we’re going, instead of tonight. This is not like me. I’m punctual, well-organized, task oriented, capable and competent. Oh, and did I mention stressed out? Today I could well have assumed the title of “dweeb of the year” and I would gladly have worn whatever silly head dress was required.
I have finally finished the things on today’s list. It’s ten to eight in the evening. I want to weep and let great, wailing sobs pierce the air but I have no tears. I’m exhausted right down to the marrow of my 55 year old bones from all the frustrations and disappointments of the last ten years. I’ve forgotten all my victories, even though I know there have been many.
Tonight, they don’t count. My blessings mean nothing. My health is just a given and my thankfulness is a wisp of smoke. My voice has been drowned out and I am wallowing in a veritable sea of weariness.
What would The Queen do right now? Well – let’s see, she’d probably have a good cry, a glass of Sherry and then go right out and buy a new palace. Seeing as a mansion is a little out of my league, I’m going to take Augie for a stroll down the lane, feed my boys, make myself a salad for dinner, have a Scotch neat (forget my usual rocks) and then have a hot bath and shave my legs.
I detest feeling self-absorbed, weak and unworthy – but it’s a fact of life that we all go through ups and downs. I’m finding all aspects of my work frustrating right now and I’m disappointed in my inability to put an efficient business plan into effect and to move forward with my Web Site re-design. I’m not mastering anything very well.
This too shall pass. I know that. It always does. I just don’t have as much energy as I used and I feel uncomfortably isolated. This is more common than most of us realize. Everyone goes through frustrating, lonely times. What’s important about it is to learn from the experience and to move on. I will do that. Tomorrow, if I’m cut off in traffic, I’ll probably take it in stride as I usually do. I know when I’m overloaded and I’m smart enough to look beneath the obvious reasons to the underlying causes and to understand why it’s happening.
I worry. I don’t need to but I do anyway. This causes a build up of underlying tension and then my imagination goes wild. My anxiety boils over and “poof” – I’m visiting “stress city” without a passport. Then the lonely, inadequate elves come a calling and it’s not long before the everyday task of living seems insurmountable.
I’ve been here before, and I’ll be here again, and as always I will find my way out of the maze. I’m in need of some soothing self-caring, a hot bath and an hour of reflection on all that is right with my life. Whenever this happens to any of us – do as I do and think it through. If you’re honest you can always recognize the root causes of despair and then it’s a matter of addressing them one at a time.
I feel relaxed enough now to shed a tear or two and that will put my woes into perspective. My anxiety is a little less intense already and I think my impending heart attack has been averted. With that threat out of the way, I think I feel a smile coming on.