Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 5, 2004
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 5, 2004 – I’m especially fond of the old saying, and here I paraphrase rather badly, about “insanity” being the repetition of behaviour that obviously doesn’t work, with the expectation of a different outcome. I think to myself, “That would never happen to me”. Well, folks – I’m coming clean, I have indeed been known to engage in this very thing.
You’re probably thinking – “No way”. If truth be known, I stick to “my way” of doing things, even when I know it doesn’t work. That definitely worked for Frank Sinatra but I seem to be in a marginally different league from Old Blue Eyes. I keep hoping for a miracle of some sort. All of a sudden the rest of the world will see things my way, through my eyes, and a great global transformation will occur. Okay, that’s not entirely realistic – but I’m damned sure that a change is going to occur right in my house.
I’m finally starting to realize that I can make the changes in my life that are necessary. Otherwise things are gonna stay the same. This afternoon I was talking this over with Scrummie. An Innukshuk has an annoying way of just standing there – but I detected a slight nod of Scrummie’s little stone head and I know he understood what I was talking about.
Speaking of change – I relented and met with our marketing group this morning – Dorothy – Sima and Big. Everyone came to the table on time with some good ideas about “organization” which was today’s topic du jour. I’m one of the most organized people I know, and I still miss the mark badly on time management. I can give procrastination an entirely new meaning. My basement clean-up is a case in point. It’s October and it remains untouched.
I am however working on my Web Site development, time allocation, building new business, having a life (I’m going to the opera this Friday evening), professional and personal schedules and establishing priorities for every day. If I set a goal a day and accomplished it and then set a goal a week and did that too – I’d change my life. It sounds easy, but it’s not. The thing that has to change is the underlying mind set that supports any behaviour.
Case in point – I brood about money all the time. I believe money is a worrisome issue – not because it is right now, but it has been in the past – therefore it might be again. I’m not able to relax and take one day at a time. If I don’t have a lot of business at any given time then disaster is about to strike. I can look at my bank balance and know I’m okay for quite awhile but that gives me no comfort. The worry may be at a sub-conscious level, but it’s there. On-going distress wears a person down to the nub. Well this nub has had enough. I’m on a mission to change. This isn’t just a pleasant little diversion for a sunny October day, but a quest to have a different life.
I’m worn out, and this may ultimately be a good thing. Now that there’s no place left to go but back up again, I feel strangely buoyant. Not exhilarated by any means, but thoughtful and decisive. I’m tired of being tired. Tired of feeling good one day and blah the next. Tired of worrying. Tired of feeling guilty if I’m not working. Tired of everyone first and me last. Tired of no interests outside work. Tired of no vacations and half days off. Tired of my office and my computer. Tired of negativity and hearing myself complain. Tired of staying stuck in a rut. There – I’ve said it out loud – I’m fed up!
Change comes out of this kind of soul-searching. Even though I secretly tell myself that it won’t work for me, this time it’s different. I’m making small changes and the cumulative effect of those baby steps will have far-reaching consequences. I’m not exercising every day, but I’m doing some and that’s better than none. I’m watching what I eat most days. I’m taking some time for myself every day.
I’m positive more often than defeated lately and when I catch myself whining I talk to Scrummie. I’m more aware of my health and what a gift it is. When I wake up in the morning I try to do so with a positive thought. I try to refrain for passing judgement on anyone or anything. I can’t possibly imagine or understand the real circumstances of another person’s existence or the reason’s behind an event. I’m amazed that writing about my life is providing a catalyst for change. If I’d know this I’d have started to write years ago.
My life experiences are naturally of primary of interest to me, but writing things down can work well for anyone. When you commit pen to paper it gives your thoughts visual substance. You can see a goal and an overall plan, and chart your progress, or reasons for lack thereof. You can see where you fall short in your efforts and ask for help.
This process of change is proving to be a positive and exciting process, and one that I wouldn’t have anticipated when I started to write. If only one thing I’ve learned and passed along in these little stories, can help someone else who is struggling with challenges and choices in life, I would be delighted. The knowledge that I’m gleaning from this experience is proving to be invaluable to me, and an impetus for change, and for that I’m truly grateful.